Jan
27
The Secret Lair would like to thank Jennifer Toews for her donation toward our mobile recording rig.
Thanks to her donation of $20, she’s now one of our Official Henchmen. That means that, when we go on a recon mission (or field trip), we’ll be sending her a little souvenir from the trip.
Thanks, Jennifer!
Popularity: 74% [?]
Jan
26
The Secret Lair Episode 0003: We’re Watching…
Filed Under Movies | 5 Comments
Due to a coolant tank overflow last weekend, we were forced to temporarily abandon our strategy session and adjourn to the screening room for an impromptu movie night. It is safe to assume that the coolant fumes we inhaled in the evacuation (one of the most orderly we’ve had thus far) were psychotropic in nature, as there seems to be no other reasonable explanation for our movie choices.
- Chris: Next, directed by Lee Tamahori, based on the short story “The Golden Man” by Philip K. Dick and starring Nicolas Cage, Jessica Biel, Julianne Moore and Thomas Kretschmann. Cris Johnson (Cage) is a Las Vegas stage magician who can see two minutes into his own future. Agent Callie Farris (Moore) wants to use Johnson’s power to prevent a terrorist group from detonating a nuclear weapon in Los Angeles.
- Kris: Dragon Wars (AKA D-War), written and directed by Hyung-rae Shim and starring Jason Behr, Amanda Brooks and Robert Forster. Television reporter Ethan Kendrick (Behr) and antique-dealer Jack (Forster) battle an ancient army and the evil Imoogi, a giant snake-like creature that will transform into a powerful dragon if it acquires the Yeouijoo, a mystical essence possessed by a young woman named Sarah Daniels (Brooks).
Popularity: 73% [?]
Jan
25
Merlin Mann has caught on to part of plan #ER1/B.
Control, dispatch the Jackbooted Thugs to deal with him.
That is all.
Popularity: 72% [?]
Jan
22
To All,
You will see some new faces around the compound over the next few weeks as the first stages of our Timegate Program begin to bear fruit. Certain select members of races from the future and past have been brought to Lair to gather intelligence on various segments of Earth culture1. Our Dept. of Physical Restructuring and Camouflage have been hard at work making some of the more exotic races fit in.
Witness their work:
| BEFORE | AFTER |
|---|---|
 |
 |
Keep up the good work, gentlemen.
-The Mgmt
Popularity: 70% [?]
- For a hefty price, I might add [↩]
Jan
19
The Secret Lair Episode 0002: The Secret Library
Filed Under Books | 4 Comments
Returning to the scene of the crime, your malevolent hosts, Chris Miller and Kris Johnson, bring back another episode of The Secret Lair.
This time, we open the doors to The Secret Library, revealing a few of the tomes that have captured our attention recently.
We both have accounts at GoodReads. We encourage bibliophile minions to create an account and add us as friends. We’ll know you’re a minion if you use the secret phrase.1
Chris read Emperor: Time’s Tapestry Book One and Conqueror: Time’s Tapestry Book Two, both by Stephen Baxter.
Chris also read The Traveler and part of The Dark River, the first two books of the Fourth Realm Trilogy by John Twelve Hawks.
While on vacation, Kris read Alfred Hitchcock Presents The Three Investigators: The Mystery of the Green Ghost by Robert Arthur.
The first tome in The Secret Library is Fatherland by Robert Harris. As we seem to be on an alternative history kick of late, we thought this tale of a triumphant Third Reich in 1964 would be fitting. We’ll be discussing the book in a future show.
Be sure to visit The Secret Lair’s official online community to keep tabs on other minions, give us feedback and get some hints as to what we’ve got planned for future shows.
Popularity: 82% [?]
- Reminder: We need a secret phrase. [↩]
Jan
18
Preview: The Secret Lair Logo
Filed Under Memoranda | 2 Comments
We are one step closer to having our grand plan realized. Natalie Metzger has been tirelessly slaving away on a logo for your beloved Evil Overlords. Behold, the rough draft!1
Cannot wait to see the finished product, which will have a place of honor as the new masthead of the website. Thanks, Natalie!
Popularity: 75% [?]
- That, in the background, is the Cleveland skyline, for those of you not wordly enough to recognize it on sight [↩]
Jan
17
Behind the Conspiracy: The Secret Lair influences the Golden Globes
Filed Under Movies | Leave a Comment
In the first episode of The Secret Lair, Chris and I mentioned that we had each seen a movie in December. One of those movies won two Golden Globe Awards over the weekend. Guess which one:
- Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (Chris saw it.)
- Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (Kris saw it.)
Here’s a hint: the awards won were “Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy” and “Best Performance in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy”.
Okay, that’s a lousy hint. But it’s all you get.
Popularity: 77% [?]
Jan
15
Mastermind’s Notebook: The Right-Hand Man
Filed Under Monologuing | 2 Comments
Being one of the evil masterminds who founded The Secret Lair has its perks: the private parking space is nice,1 as are the discounts at local retailers,2 but the pièce de résistance has to be the right-hand3 man.
Every evil mastermind worth his (or her) salt has a loyal underling who is elevated above the common minions, lickspittles and pursuivants. This isn’t limited to evil masterminds, either; the basic relationship transcends good and evil. For every President who has a Vice President you’ve got a starship captain and his “Number Two”. For every corrupt emperor and his Dark Lord enforcer there’s a bearded man and his frog puppet. In (almost) every case, the loyal underling is trusted above all others, has his own uniform to make him stand out from the dime-a-dozen flunkies,4 and carries an air of respect, menace, or bug-eyed lunacy.
Now that The Secret Lair is up and running (mostly), tradition demands that I find my own right-hand man/cyborg/hot redheaded female assassin in a skintight leather jumpsuit. Finding the proper person to fill the role will not be an easy task, and I do not undertake the endeavor lightly. Though my preference for cyborgs is well-documented, it would be foolish of me to limit myself to only candidates who are a seamless hybrid of flesh and nigh-indestructible molybdenum alloy. While a cyborg would certainly increase my street cred, there are other factors to consider: loyalty, efficiency, ruthlessness, warranty, to name just a few. It hardly makes sense to have an unquestioning, brutal man-machine at my side if he’s going to be susceptible to both organic and cybernetic viruses. On the other hand, a purely human assistant5 will be subject to the fickle whims of his or her heart, and could be made to betray me out of love.6
Then there’s the matter of personality fit. Yes, I’ve got devices at my disposal that are entirely capable of turning the human mind into so much malleable putty, but it would save me a ton of hassle if I could find someone that I just work well with right out of the gate. Why doesn’t eHarmony offer a master/minion matchup service? I could easily define twenty-nine compatibility dimensions necessary to make that relationship work.
As I am not the only evil mastermind in The Secret Lair, it is essential that my right-hand man also get along well with Chris and his Number Two—I believe the management phrase is “team fit”. But not too well; the last thing we need is our respective seconds joining forces to overthrow us; we’re looking for begrudging respect and a willingness to work together, not enduring friendship that blossoms into co-conspiracy and an inevitable power grab.
Other requirements include a willingness to relocate,7 the ability to command low-level minions through fear and intimidation (people skills are important), and a fairly flexible moral code.
Oh, and I don’t want anyone taller than me.
Popularity: 76% [?]
- Unlike traditional reserved parking spaces at office buildings and apartment complexes, my space at The Secret Lair is absolutely and instantaneously reserved. I almost feel sorry for anyone foolish enough to ignore the “Reserved” sign posted near my parking space…almost. Seeing the look of surprise on their face when the titanium barriers drop into place around their car (the last one was a Ford Fusion) turn to shock and horror when the hydraulic ram begins its inexorable advance…well, it’s priceless. [↩]
- Not valid with any other offer? Ha! I laugh at your restrictions! I get an evil mastermind discount plus a Triple-A discount in most cases. Not to mention frequent flier miles and cash back. [↩]
- Left-hand, in Chris’ case. [↩]
- Or “cabinet members”, if you must. [↩]
- Oh, that’s such a mundane term; surely we can do better. [↩]
- BFF, my ass. [↩]
- Perhaps on a moment’s notice. To the Moon. Someone with a lot of family ties wouldn’t be an ideal fit for the position, which gets into some very dodgy legal territory with respect to equal-opportunity hiring laws. [↩]
Jan
14
Internal Memo #00031714
Filed Under Memoranda | Leave a Comment
To: All Personnel
From: Management
Subject: Use of OSHA-approved warning signs.
The warning signs that were posted at fifteen-foot intervals around the perimeter of the moat have been removed and should not be replaced. Bright yellow signs informing unauthorized visitors of the existence of the moat and its various carnivorous inhabitants are not necessary and, in fact, contrary to the design and purpose of the moat.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
Popularity: 73% [?]
Jan
10
“Infidel Defilers. They shall all drown in lakes of blood.”
- Thulsa Doom
Popularity: 82% [?]
From the Community- The Secret Library: The Sky People by S.M. Stirling
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- The Secret Library: Market Forces by Richard K. Morgan
- Long Distance Role Playing
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