Mastermind’s Notebook: The Right-Hand Man

Being one of the evil masterminds who founded The Secret Lair has its perks: the private parking space is nice,¹ as are the discounts at local retailers,² but the pièce de résistance has to be the right-hand³ man.

Every evil mastermind worth his (or her) salt has a loyal underling who is elevated above the common minions, lickspittles and pursuivants. This isn’t limited to evil masterminds, either; the basic relationship transcends good and evil. For every President who has a Vice President you’ve got a starship captain and his “Number Two”. For every corrupt emperor and his Dark Lord enforcer there’s a bearded man and his frog puppet. In (almost) every case, the loyal underling is trusted above all others, has his own uniform to make him stand out from the dime-a-dozen flunkies,⁴ and carries an air of respect, menace, or bug-eyed lunacy.

Now that The Secret Lair is up and running (mostly), tradition demands that I find my own right-hand man/cyborg/hot redheaded female assassin in a skintight leather jumpsuit. Finding the proper person to fill the role will not be an easy task, and I do not undertake the endeavor lightly. Though my preference for cyborgs is well-documented, it would be foolish of me to limit myself to only candidates who are a seamless hybrid of flesh and nigh-indestructible molybdenum alloy. While a cyborg would certainly increase my street cred, there are other factors to consider: loyalty, efficiency, ruthlessness, warranty, to name just a few. It hardly makes sense to have an unquestioning, brutal man-machine at my side if he’s going to be susceptible to both organic and cybernetic viruses. On the other hand, a purely human assistant⁵ will be subject to the fickle whims of his or her heart, and could be made to betray me out of love.⁶

Then there’s the matter of personality fit. Yes, I’ve got devices at my disposal that are entirely capable of turning the human mind into so much malleable putty, but it would save me a ton of hassle if I could find someone that I just work well with right out of the gate. Why doesn’t eHarmony offer a master/minion matchup service? I could easily define twenty-nine compatibility dimensions necessary to make that relationship work.

As I am not the only evil mastermind in The Secret Lair, it is essential that my right-hand man also get along well with Chris and his Number Two—I believe the management phrase is “team fit”. But not too well; the last thing we need is our respective seconds joining forces to overthrow us; we’re looking for begrudging respect and a willingness to work together, not enduring friendship that blossoms into co-conspiracy and an inevitable power grab.

Other requirements include a willingness to relocate,⁷ the ability to command low-level minions through fear and intimidation (people skills are important), and a fairly flexible moral code.

Oh, and I don’t want anyone taller than me.  

1. Unlike traditional reserved parking spaces at office buildings and apartment complexes, my space at The Secret Lair is absolutely and instantaneously reserved. I almost feel sorry for anyone foolish enough to ignore the “Reserved” sign posted near my parking space…almost. Seeing the look of surprise on their face when the titanium barriers drop into place around their car (the last one was a Ford Fusion) turn to shock and horror when the hydraulic ram begins its inexorable advance…well, it’s priceless. [↩]
2. Not valid with any other offer? Ha! I laugh at your restrictions! I get an evil mastermind discount plus a Triple-A discount in most cases. Not to mention frequent flier miles and cash back. [↩]
3. Left-hand, in Chris’ case. [↩]
4. Or “cabinet members”, if you must. [↩]
5. Oh, that’s such a mundane term; surely we can do better. [↩]
6. BFF, my ass. [↩]
7. Perhaps on a moment’s notice. To the Moon. Someone with a lot of family ties wouldn’t be an ideal fit for the position, which gets into some very dodgy legal territory with respect to equal-opportunity hiring laws. [↩]

1. 

   Wesley says:

   January 15, 2008 at 3:19 pm

   I think you’re pretty much looking for a robot. Not one of those pansy Asimos from Honda. I’m talking more of a T-1000 (Or, if you prefer the hot woman robot in red leather pants, a T-X. I’d stay away from the latest T-SummerGlau, they seem to have some of that emotion crap that got into the later 101 models).

   If you need a catalog or sales brochure, I’ll hold on to whatever I get this week and you can take some home on Sunday.
2. 

   Kris says:

   January 18, 2008 at 9:13 am

   Aren’t robots kind of cliché these days? Or is that androids? It’s such a pain to keep up with what’s the new hotness and what’s old and busted. In fact, I think the phrase “new hotness” may be old and busted.