Jun
25
Internal Memo #836570698489: Safety First*
Filed Under Memoranda
To: All Personnel
From: Overlord Kris
Subject: Follow-up from Safety Awareness Meeting (25 June 2008)
In reviewing the minutes from the Daily Safety Awareness Stand-up Meeting, I came across two questions that I wanted to personally address.
- Shouldn’t these meetings be held on an hourly basis?
- Shouldn’t the “Days Since Last Accident” sign be updated to read “-349″?
These questions betray an underlying attitude of pessimism that I find somewhat troubling. Safety awareness in the Lair is at an all-time high, while the number of incidents resulting in unintended death, dismemberment, trans-dimensional shunting, psychic scarring, debilitating mutation and/or devolution has never been lower.
Critics will be quick to point out that the malfunctioning neuron stimulator incapacitated seventy-eight people last week, but I would remind you that, regardless of the number of affected individuals, the buffer overload is still technically a single incident. Additionally, the affected individuals, while not able to perform their duties, ambulate or eat solid foods, are quite obviously experiencing no discomfort. In fact, I’m told that electroencephalograph readings on all seventy-eight individuals indicate a state of (thus far) “permanent bliss verging on sheer ecstasy”.
With respect to the second question, the incident has technically not occurred yet. The temporal rift remains open and we are working on a means by which we can communicate with the personnel involved in the hopes that we can prevent the implosion that created the rift in the first place. This has proven extremely difficult, as the timestream we are observing through the rift is regressing backward from 09 June 2009 toward present day. We estimate that the two timestreams will collide on 16 December 2008 and our efforts to correct the matter before it becomes an incident will continue as long as necessary. Until such time as the implosion actually occurs, however, I have instructed the Safety Committee that it is not to be recorded in their logs.
Be assured that safety is, while not our primary concern, certainly important to Overlord Miller and myself. Where priority, efficiency, aesthetics and cost allow, we have taken every measure to protect the health and wellbeing of those in our employ.
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