The Secret Lair

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It occurs to me—as I utilize an experimental thought-to-text transcriber to write these show notes, my office cooled to a pleasant 293.2 degrees Kelvin by air that has passed through the center a glacier—that much of what I encounter on a daily basis here at The Secret Lair is made possible by technology that (a) I don’t fully understand, and (b) is not considered “feasible” by much of what passes for the scientific community in this, the first half of the twenty-first century.¹ It also occurs to me that it doesn’t really matter whether the Lair is air-conditioned by an array of turbofans and semi-stable Arctic wormholes or by a frost giant and a wind elemental, locked in an eternal struggle and held captive in one of our subterranean holding chambers by two dozen mages who channel eldritch energies into complex and subtle wards of holding…as long as I’m comfortable.

Finally, it occurs to me that whether we used Skype to call our guest on his iPhone or cast a tethering spell to channel his words into our terrible homunculus is entirely unimportant; what matters is that we were able to speak to Earl Newton despite the many miles between Detroit (where he was) and Cleveland (where he was not, but we were).²

Earl Newton, as it happens, is the creator of the video science-fiction anthology, Stranger Things. I daresay it could be argued that Earl has had ample experience blurring the line between science-fiction and fantasy, and one need only look to most any episode of Stranger Things for evidence.

Promo: The Inner Chapters, Volume 1 by Thomas “cmdln” Gideon, available at Podiobooks.com.

Discussion: You’ve Got Your Fantasy in My Science Fiction.

• “Has Sci-Fi Become Too Infected by Fantasy?” by Graeme McMillan.
• “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
• Is Chris Miller a wizard? He’s certainly cast a spell on me.
• Chris says the Mars trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson is a fine example of good, plausible hard sci-fi.
• Wikipedia says, “Science fiction…differs from fantasy in that, within the context of the story, its imaginary elements are largely possible within scientifically-established or scientifically-postulated laws of nature.” Also: no elves.
• Chris wants to see more sci-fi/fantasy slashfic. Though he doesn’t specifically mention R. Daneel Olivaw and Dolores Umbridge, I think it’s implied.

Staff Reports

• Chief Medical Officer’s Progress Report No. 3. In which the Bad Doctor (who exudes a flavor of smugness that can only be derived from hindsight) doesn’t appreciate our efforts to bring some damn culture to the primate-equine hybrid habitat. To Cmar’s credit, there are actual facts in his report. For more information on primate banana bartering, you should read this article.
• Ken Newquist reviews The Day After Ragnarok, a Savage Worlds RPG setting from Kenneth Hite and Atomic Overmind Press.

And Another Thing…

• What the hell is Avatar all about?
• We’ll be discussing The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger soon. Possibly even in the next episode.
• Kris is reading The Stepsister Scheme by Jim C. Hines.
• Chris is reading Singularity Sky by Charles Stross.
• The “one with the cleavage on the front” is Saturn’s Children, also by Charles Stross.

Lair Keeping

• Our theme music is “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton.
• Our Secretary of Artistic Propaganda is Natalie Metzger.
• Our Minister of Crackpot Schemes and Unfortunate Synergies is Jay “The Kingfish” Lynn.
• Our Chief Medical Officer is Dr. John Cmar.
• Our Airborne Legions are led by Commandante David Moore.
• Our Minister of Suspicious Substitutions and Unreasonable Facimiles often operates under the pseudonym The Cynical Optimist.
• Our Minister of Secrets and Subterfuge is classified.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 45:51 — 42.0MB)

1. Or what we will eventually come to call “the top of the twenty-first”. [↩]
2. For the record, it was Skype and an iPhone, but we do have a terrible homunculus that bears an uncanny resemblance to Earl. [↩]

Truth be told, we probably could have returned to The Secret Library sooner, but I’ve been avoiding it. Why? Two words: late fees. See, a couple of months ago I checked out a copy of Getting Things Done by David Allen and promptly set fire to it. No book will mock my character flaws in such a manner, do you understand? I will not be mocked!

As it turns out, our android librarian is equipped with neither a sense of irony nor any compulsion toward forgiveness. Nor the slightest inclination to waive a replacement fee, for that matter. However, the whole unpleasant mess has been resolved and we are now prepared to discuss Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore.

Promo: The Inner Chapters, Volume 1 by Thomas “cmdln” Gideon, available at Podiobooks.com.

Discussion: Lamb, The Gospel According Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore

• SPOILER ALERT! Chris suggests that if you’ve not read Lamb, you should stop listening to the episode and perhaps listen to something else instead. One possibility: Gray Dancer’s Ropecast, and believe me when I tell you the site is very Not Safe For Work (or Boy Scouts).
• Lamb fills in a very significant gap in the life of Jesus Christ, a 20-plus-year period of the Messiah’s life that is strangely missing from The Holy Bible. I blame the editors.
• Chris spots a similarity with Tom Stoppard’s excellent Hamlet spinoff, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.

Chief Medical Officer’s Progress Report #2: The Bad Doctor returns to blame yet another new strain of yet another virus on our meddling—we prefer “fiddling”, really—with equine-primate hybridization. As a side note, bonobos (pygmy chimpanzees) really are very cute; it should have worked, dammit!

From the Ministry of Crackpot Schemes and Unfortunate Synergies: Jay is in Hong Kong attempting to procure a wolf-child, but important details seem to have been lost in translation somewhere.

Wrap-up

• Both Overlords gave Lamb high marks: five thousand out of five loaves and fishes.
• We both feel the story is irreverent without being disrespectful.
• The book does contain adult language and adult situations, not to mention Kung Fu.

Next on The Secret Library: The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.

Lair Keeping

• Our theme music is “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton.
• Our Secretary of Artistic Propaganda is Natalie Metzger.
• Our Minister of Crackpot Schemes and Unfortunate Synergies is Jay “The Kingfish” Lynn.
• Our Chief Medical Officer is Dr. John Cmar.
• Our Airborne Legions are led by Commandante David Moore.
• Our Minister of Suspicious Substitutions and Unreasonable Facimiles often operates under the pseudonym The Cynical Optimist.
• Our Minister of Secrets and Subterfuge is classified.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 38:09 — 34.9MB)

• When I say "Deploy the Atomic Eye!" the last thing I want to hear is "We don't have an Atomic Eye." We should have an Atomic Eye, dammit! #
• Does making "Blame Assignment" an agenda item set an unfavorable tone for a meeting? #
• @Nycteris We don't "hold" that button. We simply tap it with an impatient, judging forefinger while our minions stammer their excuses. in reply to Nycteris #
• @ghowley Oops. We clearly need to fine-tune the beam on this thing. Might take a while to get it fixed. Hope you like "Three's Company." #
• @sambearpoet If you start breeding a strain of mutant, popcorn-loving arachnids, we're taking you off our Christmas Card List. #
• What's your favorite acid? Never mind what it's for… #
• @radioisopod Hypothetically speaking, if you were breeding llamas to spit sulfuric acid…you know what? Never mind. I've said too much. in reply to radioisopod #
• @Nycteris Our Director of Plausible Deniability informs me that we know nothing of any explosion. in reply to Nycteris #
• @minitotoro Sulfur trioxide? Oh, please. As if we'd be satisfied with a mere three oxygen molecules! in reply to minitotoro #
• @minitotoro Yes, indeed. Everywhere. Every little nook and supposedly-hermetically-sealed cranny. in reply to minitotoro #
• Design Tip: Make sure the end you're supposed to point at someone LOOKS like the end you're supposed to point at someone. #

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• Usually when I spend a weekend alone with my thoughts it is by choice, not because of a malfunctioning statis field generator. #
• Break Room refrigerators will be cleaned out every Friday at 6:00pm. With a flamethrower. If it squeals, it should have been kept elsewhere. #
• Note to Maintenance: Motion sensors in conference room 14B should trigger overhead lights, not stun gas. Also: the Polycom is on the fritz. #
• I hate buttons with cryptic icons. Does this red one trigger the apocalypse, activate the indoor horseshoe pitch or summon a blacksmith? #
• I am saddened (though not surprised) that I need to issue a memorandum prohibiting the use of an experimental rail gun for body piercing. #
• @blob I believe we encouraged you to "roll for initiative". It was, in hindsight, an uncharacteristic and unfortunately-timed bit of levity. in reply to blob #
• @ghowley Oh, you're welcome. in reply to ghowley #
• @blob We did not. Thank you for providing a much-needed insight, however. We thought you were all staging some sort of bizarre pageant. in reply to blob #
• Sharks with laser beams in their heads seemed like such a good idea 'til they cut thru the aquarium glass. Looks like we're grilling tonite. #

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