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Where the Hell is my Rockford Files Remake?
My fellow Overlord is all frothy about the new A-Team movie.
I’m sure the bromance between those four soldiers of fortune and their van might cause a few dedicated folks to seek out their local movie screens. For my part, I have only one thing to say.
Screw the A-Team. Where the hell is my Rockford Files movie?
Yes, I’m serious. The final moments of the trailer show just how asinine the A-Team movie is going to be: they are in a tank, which is falling from a blown-up airplane, and one of the merry band manages to shoot down the oncoming fighter jet with the tank-mounted machine guns. Really? I mean…REALLY? I’ve not seen anything so unbelievable since my brother had Optimus Prime fight Darth Vader back in 1982 on our bedroom floor.
That’s the problem with the remakes today: they are conceived of and written by twelve-year-olds. If we can find some adults, some people with both the skill to write a proper mystery AND have an appreciation for the studliness of Jim Rockford, we might have a blockbuster on our hands.
Jim Rockford was to the 1970s what Thomas Magnum was to the 1980s which was what Philip Marlowe was to the 1940s: the quintessential bachelor sleuth of his generation. Resourceful, witty, surviving on little more than charm and dogged perseverance, Jim Rockford was a real guy. He had a cool car, he wasn’t tied down. He lived out of a trailer in Malibu and preferred to talk his way out of trouble instead of meeting with with fists and a gun.
James Garner, when creating the role, said they he took his con-man character from Maverick and mixed it with a bit of Philip Marlowe. Fast-talking, wise-cracking, often confused and befuddled by the twists the cases took, Rockford was THE private eye many of my generation remember, usually from reruns on the local UHF station’s Sunday afternoon lineup.1.
From the Museum of Broadcast Communications:
The Rockford Files is generally regarded (along with Harry O) as one of the finest private eye series of the 1970s, and indeed of all time, consistently ranked at or near the top in polls of viewers, critics, and mystery writers. The series offered superbly-plotted mysteries, with the requisite amounts of action, yet it was also something of a revisionist take on the hard-boiled detective genre, grounded more in character than crime, and infused with humor and realistic relationships. Driven by brilliant writing, an ensemble of winning characters, and the charm of its star, James Garner, the series went from prime-time Nielsen hit in the seventies, to a syndication staple with a loyal cult following in the eighties, spawning a series of made-for-TV movie sequels beginning in 1994.
Rockford leaves an impression, and in this Overlord’s not-so-humble opinion, he deserves a revival. The franchise could be pure gold.
Assuming they get someone decent to write it.
And direct it.
And…
*pause*
Maybe I’m better off with my memories.
- The Rockford Files also has one of the greatest theme songs in the history of television. Just sayin’ [↩]
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Website: http://www.unquietdesperation.com
About The Secret Lair
The Secret Lair is a podcast and blog which follows the real life adventures of Kris Johnson and Chris Miller. Together with their staff of contributors and countless minions, they seek to dominate the planet, or at least the tri-county area, using the twin weapons of Discussion and Overwhelming Opinion. And zombies. And maybe a Death Ray. Or two.
In fact, Magnum P.I. was created because Rockford Files came to an end. So there’s a direct lineage there.
And you may get your wish. David Chase, the producer of House, is working on a Rockford Files revival TV series. One of the few good things that may come out of the Conan/Leno debacle is that NBC may greenlight Rockford for one of their now-empty 10pm slots. Until then, I have my reruns on the local broadcast channel.
You may find today’s EXTRALIFE entertaining…
Haters. That’s what you people are. Haters.
@Kris Oh, it’s not hate. I’m just unable to suspend my disbelief quite as much as those silly writers want me to. I mean…come on. But then, I’m speaking to a man who prides himself on number of giant alligator movies he owns. So…yeah.
@Gaston: NICE!
@Jim: Very nice. I’d love to see it if they can pull it together.
@Kris: This is one time I will beg you, sir. Please, don’t put me in the category of “haters.” Believe me, I’m going to see this movie with a huge smile on my face, and for much the same reason I enjoyed Transformers 2. (Yes! I enjoyed that flick!) It’s a flick based on an 80s TV series. If I can’t expect some cheese from that movie…
@Chris: Glad you smiled.
@Chris — The A-Team has never been about suspending disbelief; rather, you should lock your disbelief away in an airtight trunk, wrap it in chains and sink it in 30 feet of concrete. The only thing that prevented them from shooting down airplanes with a machine gun mounted on a parachuting tank back in the 1980s was budget. Except it probably wouldn’t have been a tank. While Murdock was busy trying to avoid getting shot down, B.A. would have been in the back of the cargo plan welding half-inch metal plates onto a VW Vanagon, into which the entire team would have piled as their flight was canceled in midair, and Faceman would have taken the enemy plane down with a makeshift flamethrower. Yeah. A flamethrower.
Oh, and just for the record: I don’t own a single giant crocodile movie. Not a one. But I do so enjoy watching ‘em.
@Kris You make a fair point about the A-Team and suspending disbelief. But I maintain that the writing will be atrocious. But that might be in keeping with the original series as well.
And as for the crocodiles: very well. I retract my previous statement, and now know what to get you for your birthday.
@Chris — I should have a crocodile/alligator-themed birthday party this year. Is 37 too old for themed birthday parties?
But we digress; let’s return to The A-Team. Specifically, the writing: it doesn’t matter. Let’s break it down and see what we really need for this movie as far as writing goes.
The Plot: Since it’s the first movie in what might be a franchise, we’ll get the origin out of the way: elite commando unit escapes from maximum-security facility after being convicted of a crime they did not commit. Now someone in trouble has managed to find and hire them. How does The A-Team solve problems? Fists and bullets and explosions and car chases. Also: They build an armored assault vehicle out of stuff lying around in a garage or warehouse. Throw in a close call with whatever military organization is pursuing them and you’re done.
The Dialog: Hannibal loves it when a plan comes together. B.A. pities the poor fool (or something along those lines). Murdock is just plain crazy. Faceman doesn’t even need to talk; he just finds some attractive woman (probably the one who hired them in the first place) and makes with the spit-swapping.
That’s it. If you’ve ever seen an episode of The A-Team and you walk into the theater expecting more than that, you should probably go back and watch that episode of The A-Team again, because you may not have been paying attention.
As for The Rockford Files, I’ve never seen an episode, but I intend to rectify that within the week, as Season One is available through Netflix streaming.
@Kris You know, you could have gotten a new column out of that last comment. Silly man.
I don’t know who’s side this helps out, but my 11 year old LOVES him some classic A-Team. He wants me to make an A-Team RPG just so he can be Mr. T. Or is it Murdock? Anyway, I’ll have him ready to go to the movies with you Kris.
You didn’t know? David Shore, creator of House, is developing The Rockford Files for NBC. It’s coming!
Now — can we get James Garner to play Jim Rockford’s dad..?
Okay, so I watched a couple episodes of The Rockford Files over the weekend, and I have this to say: for a down-on-his-luck, flat broke P.I., Jim Rockford has some damn good auto insurance.
Case in point: at the climax of the pilot (“Backlash of the Hunter”), the bad guys—circling overhead in their single-engine plane—fire a machine gun at Jim’s car, riddling it with bullets. The car then explodes (though Jim and Sara—played by the fetching Lindsay Wagner—manage to escape the conflagration). Sometime between the end of that episode and the beginning of the next, Jim has not only filed a claim with his insurance company, but they’ve apparently paid in full, ’cause he’s driving pretty much the same car (right down to the color) as he works on “The Kirkoff Case” (guest starring a very young James Woods as Larry Kirkoff).
@Kris It was the ’70s, man. They hadn’t invented continuity yet.