The Secret Lair

• Han Rolos! With a Chewy center!
• Musical/visual gizmo may consume your time. All of it.
• The Mighty Otyugh
• D&D Soda?
• Post-Apocalyptic Strawberry Shortcake and Friends

A recently-published article in The Guardian calls for science-fiction films to obey the laws of physics. Starship Troopers, The Core and Angels & Demons are all cited as examples of “the film industry’s worst abuses of science”. The “bugs” in Starship Troopers would be crushed by the weight of their own exoskeletons,¹ the Earth’s core cannot be “restarted” by means of a nuclear detonation,² and the anti-matter in Angels & Demons is (1) “more than we will make in a million years of running a high-energy particle collider”³ and (2) could not be contained “using an iPod battery”.⁴

Professor Sydney Perkowitz, member of The Science and Entertainment Exchange and professor of physics at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, has created guidelines for the film industry that include “confining scriptwriters to plotlines that embrace the suspension of disbelief but stop short of demanding it in every scene”.⁵

Perkowitz advocates a limit of “one big scientific blunder” per film. Goodbye, Star Wars;⁶ so long, Star Trek;⁷ and fare-thee-well, Back to the Future.⁸ It was fun while it lasted.

Well, you might say, Star Wars is really space opera or fantasy, not science-fiction. You’re correct, of course. And Angels & Demons is really a techno-thriller but Perkowitz has no problem taking it to the mat, does he, Semantics Boy?

Now, don’t get me wrong: I have no problem when films utilize good, solid science. I’m okay with explosions not making any sound in the vacuum of space and I’m fine with spaceships obeying Newton’s laws when in a low- or zero-gravity environment. I like the “science” half of science-fiction.

But you know what? I like the “fiction” half much, much more. Giant bugs that swarm across the galaxy crushing feckless humans in their massive mandibles? Gimme! Sharks that can leap thousands of feet into the air to bring down a jet-liner? I’m all over that. A superlaser capable of destroying an entire planet? Yes, please! A coffeemaker-sized fusion reactor on the back of a DeLorean? Well, why the hell not?

A movie theater is not a classroom;⁹ while edutainment may be fine for my four-year-old son, I’m not looking to learn about non-topical solitons when I watch Sunshine. I don’t particularly care if the science in a movie is good or bad, as long as the story sells it well. Personally, I feel that a movie can play fast and loose with the laws of physics in the service of an entertaining story as long as those laws are flouted with reasonable consistency; I have no problem with a previously-undiscovered prehistoric shark swimming at a speed so great it can leap out of the water and bring down a passenger jet, so long as that same prehistoric shark doesn’t later have trouble catching a submarine that has a top speed of about 35 knots—that’s just bad storytelling.

1. We’re safe! [↩]
2. We’re doomed! [↩]
3. We’re safe! [↩]
4. We’re…doomed? [↩]
5. No mention is made of confining authors in such a fashion, despite the fact that two of the three cited examples were adapted for the screen from popular novels. Apparently scientific verisimilitude in print isn’t as important as it is on screen. [↩]
6. Sound in the vacuum of space? Blunder! Spacecraft that maneuver like aircraft in an atmosphere? Blunder! Hyperspace? Blunder! Greedo shoots first? How dare you? [↩]
7. Warp drive? Preposterous! Transporters? Outrageous! Kirk’s hair? Suspend, disbelief! Damn you, suspend! [↩]
8. Time travel? Impossible! Anti-gravity? Unpossible! One-point-twenty-one gigawatts? What the hell’s a gigawatt? [↩]
9. Nor is it a laboratory, Science Nitpickers. [↩]

• Giant Spider Crab escapes from the Dr. Cmar’s Lab. Captain Tortuga, if you’re out there, be wary.
• This is an Improper Use of Slugs.
• There is a Steampunk Exhibition in Nova Albion. Or, Emeryville, CA, if you live in the mundane world. Get your tickets now.
• The true meaning of Love.
• Cleveland is getting it’s own ComicCon.
• On a more serious note, Dr. Cmar forwarded this, which states that health insurance companies should not exist.

And finally, this was…surreal:

(New to the series? Start with Episode 1)

“A brand? Of three fishes? You are sure?” Slick William looked at them from across the counter.

Slick William Baumgarter plied his trade in a humble storefront off the ever-bustling Bondmakers’ Court. The location placed him in a perfect position for two things: drafting official documents, and trafficking in information. To more honest eyes, William was nothing more than careworn scribe. To those who knew how the world really worked, William was the man to talk to when you needed a secret about this noble, an insight into that business’s dealings. His shop was an odd sort of neutral ground: none of the guilds molested him because he did not take sides, and the gentry only came to him out of shame or desperation, which put them in no position to alert the authorities about his racket.

Jack and Paul met William during a job that had gone particularly bad involving the marriage of a local boss’s daughters to a Tagini trader. William had saved their asses by knowing exactly the right words to complete the Ritual of Apology, without which they would have been hauled off across the Gray Sea and put to work in the infamous Tagini salt mines. Since then, Jack and Paul made it a point to be good to William, throw work his way, and William gave them answers when they needed them.

“Yeah,” Jack said, adjusting his vest. He reached over and pointed to his left shoulder. “It was right here.”

“It wasn’t new,” Paul chimed in. “Fresh, that is. It healed as much as a brand ever will.”

William nodded. He limped over behind the counter to one of the many stacks of books and scrolls in the little shop. Jack could never figure out the little man’s system, but whatever it was, it worked. In a handful of seconds William produced a single scroll. He rolled it open on the counter. It looked like a contract, signed by two parties. One bore the seal of the Duke, the other was the three fish.

“Ah…I thought so. It’s the seal of House Rinstaad. The current head of the House is Javin, Baron Rinstaad.” William pointed at the second signature. “Well, he is for now, at least.”

Jack raised an eyebrow. Like so many mannerisms from home, this one did not translate. William just looks at him. He squinted. “How do you…?”

Paul nudged Jack aside. “What do you mean, for now?”

Willam started to trace the lines of text with an inkstained finger. “According to this document, House Rinstaad is being dissolved, its lands going to the Duke who will parcel them out as he sees fit.” He scanned the document in silence then said, “Yes…it’s supposed to happen in two weeks’ time. It seems that Baron Rinstaad is the last of the line and is without an heir. His brothers and their families were slain during the recent unpleasantness with our neighbors to the north. No one can take the lands and title after the Baron dies, so it must revert to the Duke.”

William looked up. “The brand you found is traditionally given to slaves of the House. All the major Houses have a small number of bondslaves, those either captured during a conflict or who owe the House in some fashion. They usually work in areas where the Head of House would not trust one of the Lessers.”

Jack mentally translated “Lessers” to Edies for himself. “Okay. So…like a house slave? Nannies, butlers, things like that?”

William nodded. “Indeed.”

Paul leaned back against the counter. “Why would anyone want to kill a house slave on our doorstep? Why would anyone want to kill the slave of a fading House at all?”

The question hung in the air until William asked, “Was she with child?”

Jack and Paul looked at one another. Jack actually blushed. “Ah…I have no idea how best to check for such a thing.”

William fixed him with a look. “No, dolt. Was she showing at all?”

Paul said, “I did not notice, but then I did not look for it.”

William nodded. “I suggest you go back and take the body to one of the Physicks. Go to Vandir on Rose Street. Tell him I sent you.” He smiled a tight smile. “He owes me.”

Paul chuckled. “Doesn’t everyone?”

William’s smile relaxed and he turned away. “Now…out with you. I have business to attend to. Good luck, and try not to get yourselves killed. Pawns never last long, my friends. Never.”

(A review of the animated cartoon Super Hero Squad)

Let’s start with confessions. I’m a DC Comics fan. Always have been. I am, in particular, a Superman fan with an appreciation for several other DC properties. Although I don’t collect comics and read them only occasionally, I carry a Superman pocket watch, my cell phone and iPod sport Superman wallpapers, and a large Superman poster adorns the wall over my desk at work. On another wall hangs a Captain Marvel poster (the cool, Shazam one). The top of my desk is home to a growing collection of Justice-League-related action figures, which essentially function as poor man’s statuettes.

That being said, my relationship with DC has really grown into something of a love/hate thing. For the longest time, I have harbored the sneaking suspicion that DC just doesn’t have its act together. It seems as though Marvel continues to crank out original ideas and products, leaving DC scratching its head and wondering where the markets are trending. Some entirely anecdotal, poorly researched examples:

• When Marvel came out with the Marvel Legends series of exceptional action figures, where was DC? It took them several years to offer the competing DC Classics line.
• The whole “build a figure” thing with DC also came after Marvel’s success.
• When shopping for action figures at large retail stores, Marvel items are easy to find and well represented. DC products are limited to whatever TV show or movie they’re promoting at the time.
• Marvel continues to set the bar high in comic book films, bringing us heroes we love portrayed by quality actors in engaging stories. Where is DC? Marvel is laying the groundwork for awesomeness for years to come, with upcoming Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and Avengers films already in the works. From DC, we have unconfirmed rumors of Batman and Superman films, Jonah Hex and Green Lantern films in production, and a long list of projects that will likely never see the light of day (JLA, Wonder Woman, Flash, Shazam…).
• The direct-to-video animated films seem to follow the same pattern, with Marvel cranking out quality stuff and a lot of it. DC’s offerings — JLA, Green Lantern — have been of decent quality, but rather sparse.
• Lest I neglect the comics themselves, I’ll mention the Green Lantern Blackest Night storyline. I was on board and having fun until it turned into one giant icky zombiefest. Gee, didn’t Marvel have some success with a bunch of heroes-turned-zombies stories not too long ago? Sorry. I don’t really do icky.

So it was with this collection of personal baggage that I began sifting through our TiVo’s list of recommended animated shows for kids. Batman: The Brave and The Bold is a fun romp, if a bit strange at times, and is usually well received in our house along with the nearly as strange Teen Titans. I went off in search of similar fare, pulled up “kids animation” on the TiVo, and came up with Krypto the Superdog from DC and Marvel’s Super Hero Squad.

If Batman: The Brave and The Bold is strange (with villains like Babyface, Miss Manface, and the Music Meister), then Krypto The Superdog is just plain dumb. “Batdog” Ace makes a regular appearance with “Superdog” in a series of episodes that have the feel of an old Hanna Barbera cartoon. A created-for-TV group of super-powered pets band together to battle villains like Mechanicat and Barrump Barrump. In the end, I merely shrug and dismiss them with a yawn. My kids seem to enjoy them well enough, but they wouldn’t miss them if the show ended tomorrow.

Once again, DC fails to compete as the Super Hero Squad hits me as one of the funniest and cleverest shows on television. This show highlights the endless breadth of the Marvel Universe, bringing in a variety of heroes and villains from the comics and pitting them in an endless battle for “Infinity Fractals,” fragments of a universe-altering artifact. Dr. Doom and his regular henchmen MODOK and Abomination reside in Villainville, where they constantly scheme against the Super Hero Squad. The Squad is essentially an Avengers-type collection of heroes like Iron Man, Hulk, Wolverine, Thor, The Falcon, and others living on the SHIELD helicarrier patrolling Superhero City. While the show makes frequent trips to outer space and other locations, storylines tend to remain limited to these locations. Why they chose to limit the show in that way seems a bit odd to me, but it seems to work well. Each week, other heroes and villains from the Marvel Universe make cameo appearances in the constant struggle for the “Squaddies” to protect the fractals while Doom and his pals plot to steal them. Hilarity ensues.

Some things that make this show such a joy:

• The Mother of Doom. OH MY! This was a stroke of genius. Doom’s Mom shows up for an episode, complete with her own iron mask under white hair. I know I said that the show pulls characters from Marvel’s Universe, but this original character was just too rich to pass up. She nags heroes and villains alike until she is returned to exile in another dimension. And did I mention her name? She insists on being called “Coco,” because “Cynthia Von Doom” just doesn’t sound right. I’m still laughing about that episode.
• Good content for the grownups. There are plenty of pop culture references and innuendo to have the adults chuckling as well. My favorites include Iron Man taking a glance at his own backside while battling his doppelgänger Mystique. In another episode, I laughed out loud when Black Widow (Russian) was asked to say “Moose and Squirrel.” There is plenty of comic-related humor as well, such as references to “Quesada Joe” Mexican cheese.
• Fart Jokes. I admit it. Boys never mature past the fifth grade. As much as I enjoy cleverly disguised innuendo and subtle humor, I just can’t pass up a good gag involving body odor, flatulence, or belching.
  MODOK: “Ugh! … My eyebrows are melting. Abomination, open a window!”
• Stan Lee. The man himself doubles as Co-Executive Producer of the show and the voice of the costumed mayor of Superhero City. The character is reminiscent of Adam West’s mayor in Family Guy, if not as insane. Excelsior!
• One Liners. The show is replete with zingers, such as:
  • Dr. Doom: “Finally, my fool-hardy foes have found a fractal. Fascinating.”
    Abomination: “Hey, that’s pretty good. Try this one: Mister Sinister sold six stacks of silk slacks to Silver Surfer.”
  • Black Widow: “I have so much chocolate candy, darling. Do you think I should eat the caramel or devour the coconut?”
    Dr. Doom: “What kind of nonsense question is this? The caramel, of course. Coconuts displease me.”
  • War Machine (LeVar Burton): “Stop talking like you’re Iron Man.”
    Iron Man: “Stop talking like you’re on Reading Rainbow.”
  • Thor: “By Heimdall’s hairy headquarters, I have not seen the like. Yon toast landed jam-side up. ‘Tis against the laws of both nature and breakfast.”
  • Dr. Doom: (cell phone rings) “Private number? What the… hello?! Who dares reach out and touch Doom?!”

As of this writing, I am anxiously awaiting part two of the Galactus episode, where Galactus wants the Earth prepared for devouring right away. There’s a game on tonight and he’ll go for the Early Bird Special for dinner. Each episode brings an equally ridiculous plot and fun for the whole family. DC’s Krypto The Superdog may be a fine show, but it pales by comparison. Granted, things swing back and forth like a pendulum, and we may see DC driving the market again some day. After all, it was 1978′s Superman film that made us believe that a man could fly and that comic book movies could be worth watching. Market forces are almost never driven by quality but by potential earnings. I have long held a suspicion that DC being a subsidiary of Warner Brothers has done them no favors, relegating them to a tiny part of a huge uncaring media giant. It will be interesting to see if Marvel’s move into the Disney family of companies will have similar results.

In the meantime, my kids are being turned into Marvel Comics fans by the Super Hero Squad. Heck, who am I kidding? I may be turning into a fan as well. The only hope is that DC will follow suit with an equally clever version of the Superfriends.

One can only hope.

In an effort to understand the fleeting whims and dark designs that comprise the mind of Overlord Miller, I have recently acquired a MacBook. It is my hope that, by using this so-called “computer”, I will one day gain insight into Chris’ drives and desires and thus engender an atmosphere of synergistic harmony and cooperation here at The Secret Lair and perhaps help break down the artificial “Us Versus Them” mentality that is so pervasive among Mac and Windows users.¹ I also felt that owning a Mac would give me license to be a pretentious, self-indulgent windbag.²

Windows users³ need not despair, for the very first thing I did upon powering up my new MacBook was launch Boot Camp, partition the hard drive and install Windows 7 Home Premium Edition. This was mostly so that I could install Steam and make my Thursday night gaming with the Olde Fartz a bit more portable. Nonetheless, I now have a dual-booting MacBook; a dual-booting MacBook that needs a name.

Two names, in fact: one for the Mac OS X (Snow Leopard. Rar!) partition and another for the Windows 7 partition. The former is currently known as The MacBook With No Name, or TMBWNN, or Tambwynn,⁴ and the latter has been temporarily named Palpatine. What I want from you is a pair of names—better names—for my laptop. In a fit of uncommon benevolence, Overlord Miller and I decided to offer a prize—nay, not merely a prize, but a prize suite—to the individual who suggests the best names for my new MacBook.

The Prize Suite

The winner will receive the following:

• An official TSL title: Minister of Difference Engine Monikers.⁵
• An official TSL avatar, created by our Secretary of Artistic Propaganda, Natalie Metzger.
• A $25 eGift Card to Powell’s Books.

Rules and Instructions

• E-mail your suggestions to feedback@thesecretlair.com with the subject line “Name Overlord Johnson’s Laptop Contest” or leave your suggestion(s) in a comment on this blog entry.
• Multiple entries are perfectly acceptable.
• Overlord Miller and I will review all entries and choose the one we feel is the best. One factor we will be considering is how well the names speak to the interests of the laptop’s owner. Hint: he’s a bit of a geek.
• All entries must be received by Monday, February 22, 2010 at 11:59pm EST.

Ineligible Names

• Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Those are my cats, named for two characters from Hamlet by way of Tom Stoppard’s play, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.
• Torquemada. That’s the name I gave my HP 48SX calculator way back in 1991.
• Hannibal and Banacek. Both members of The Peppard Paradigm, so named because the monikers originated with roles made famous by the late, great George Peppard. I’ve used both of these on other computers.
• Vader, Falcon, Palpatine and Fett. It’s no secret that I’m a Star Wars fanboy, so I’ve named several computers after character and ships from the films. This doesn’t mean the entire Star Wars universe is ineligible; just a handful of names.

1. Reality check for John Hodgman and Justin Long: You’re both PCs. [↩]
2. As opposed to the unlicensed pretentious, self-indulgent windbaggery I’ve been practicing, lo, these many years. [↩]
3. Henceforth referred to as “Them”. [↩]
4. Which sounds an awful lot like the name of a tavern wench in a Dungeons & Dragons module. [↩]
5. It’s not MoDEM for short. Not really. [↩]

• First Edition AD&D Character Sheets. Boy, this takes me back.
• the perils of being an illustrator with access to the internet
• Clone harems. Something even J.C. should be able to get behind. So to speak.
• More SHARKTOPUS goodness!
• Computer engineer Barbie! Really!

Finally, a little something for Overlord Johnson:

(New to the series? Start with Episode 1)

“Quick. Get her inside.”

Paul bent and grasped the young woman’s ankles while Jack reached under her arms. Lifting together, they maneuvered her over to one of the low benches. After laying her down, Jack shut and locked the front door while Paul checked her for a pulse.

“Nothing,” he said. “Nothing at all.”

The young woman was dressed simply: homespun beige dress, simple white cotton shirt, sandals for her feet. She couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old. Blond hair, brown eyes…faint blush to her cheeks fading away.

Paul examined the wound. The arrow was crafted from a black wood and had white fletching. He pulled at it tentatively and felt a small amount of give. He winced, shut his eyes and pulled. There was a sickening feeling of the arrowhead catching on something, then a tearing, then it was free. Paul opened his eyes and looked at the arrowhead. It was a dull metal, forged to a razor-sharp edge, broad and flat. The sharp lines of the arrowhead’s edge ended in two wicked barbs.

Jack turned from his watching. He whistled upon seeing the arrow. “That looks vicious.”

Paul nodded. He cleaned it on the dead girl’s dress, then set it aside. He straightened.

“We should search her.”

Jack was silent. Paul glanced at him.

“Feels wrong, Paul,” Jack said. “Feels like…I don’t know…dirty.”

Paul nodded. He ran a hand through his hair. “Well…yeah. It does. But someone killed her on our doorstep. We need to find out why.”

Jack stared at him. “Like hell we do. All we need to do is dispose of the body. No one saw her come here. She might not have been coming for us. Might have just been the closest place to find help.”

Paul said, “Exactly. And we need to help her. We need to at least find her family.”

Jack shook his head. “How the hell are we going to do that?”

Paul pursed his lips. It was a good question. He walked over to the girl and frisked her briskly, as if torn between being thorough and feeling like he was somehow taking advantage of her. It was an odd feeling, and Paul tried to ignore it.

He found a small pendant around the woman’s neck: a tiny rose carved from wood. He handed it to Jack, then rolled the girl on to her side. He pulled down the dirty white shirt and examined her back. He grimaced. There were scars…the woman had been beaten at least once not so long ago. There was a brand on the pale flesh of her left shoulder: three stylized fish in a vertical row.

“What does that mean?” asked Jack.

Paul shook his head. “I’m not sure. Maybe she was a slave.” There were duchies that allowed for slavery, but usually the slaves were not human. Unlike home, more than the human race lived on this planet. They had seen a group of slaves during one of their early jobs, and they were slight, hairy, deeply tanned, and had pointed ears. Jack dubbed them “Edies,” E-D for Elf-Dwarves, but they never found out what they really were. Regardless, this woman was not one of them.

Jack looked at the small pendant. “So, what do you want to do? No one is going to try to find a runaway slave.”

“You’d think not, but then why send someone to kill her?”

Jack sighed. Once Paul had a Noble Quest, there was no stopping him. Jack turned and started to walk back up stairs.

“Where are you going?”

Jack looked down at Paul. “I’m changing into my merchant clothes. We’re need to head into Brandywine to talk to Slick William. He’ll have some idea about that brand, and possibly this pendant.”

Paul nodded. “What should we do with her? Leave her?”

Jack nodded. “Cover her with a sheet. She’s not going anywhere.” He continued up the stairs to ready himself for a trip into town.

* * *

He watched the tower.

They took the girl in, which was too bad. His benefactor would accuse him of not being thorough. He sighed. Employers were so tiresome. So overbearing. They lacked his vision, his ability to see the bigger picture. This one was no different from those he had in the past. He hoped he wouldn’t have to kill this one as well. He was a professional, and as such certain insults could not be allowed to stand.

He waited for several minutes. His patience was rewarded when two men stepped out and walked along the narrow track that led to the Duke’s road. He scratched his beard, committing their description to memory. After they disappeared along the road, he slung the bow on his back and crept toward the tower.

(Continue to Episode 3)

SCI FI Wire reported yesterday that none other than Roger “King of the B’s” Corman would be directing and/or producing a movie called Sharktopus for SyFy. The announcement was made by Director of Original Movies Karen O’Hara (AKA SyFyMovies) on Twitter.

I’m interested in Sharktopus on several levels: first, I have a well-documented love of creature features in general and SyFy Original Movies specifically; second, I want to see whether Corman’s sharktopus looks anything like the ones our marine geneticists have been working on in the Lair. I suspect Corman will shy away from the tricky proposition of a shark and an octopus actually mating and opt instead for a far more pedestrian approach, namely genetic manipulation; not nearly as exciting, but an easy way to introduce a mad scientist type like Jeffrey Combs in Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy.

Details around the new movie are limited at this time—the only information available right now appears to be O’Hara’s announcement that Corman is involved—but rest assured that at least one of your Overlords will be following any news related to Sharktopus with great interest. In the meantime, here’s a review of another creature feature that aired on SyFy not so many Saturdays ago, Mega-Shark Versus Giant Octopus. (Review originally posted on KJToo.com.)

Mega-Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)

Starring Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, Sean Lawlor, Vic Chao, Dean Kreyling, Stephen Blackehart, Mark Hengst and Michael Teh

Written and directed by Jack Perez

CAUTION: This review spoils the tentacles off Mega-Shark Versus Giant Octopus, but hopefully saves you the trouble of watching it yourself.

Oceanographer Emma MacNeil (Deborah Gibson)¹ “borrows” a research submarine to observe the behavior of humpback whales off the coast of Alaska. All is going well until a military helicopter drops an experimental sonar device into the middle of the whale pod. The sonar drives the humbacks crazy, causing them to swim at high speed into the submerged face of a nearby glacier. Entombed in the glacier are a megalodon (henceforth referred to as mega-shark) and a giant octopus (henceforth referred to as giant octopus), two ancient aquatic beasts that were apparently frozen in the midst of a tooth-on-tentacle² fight several million years ago. As the suicidal whales collide with the glacier face, tons of ice shear off and fall into the ocean, releasing (and, for reasons unknown, simultaneously reviving) the antediluvian combatants.

Oops.

Mega-shark and giant octopus swim off in different directions, leaving MacNeil to wonder whether she actually saw the big beasties or they were a delusion brought about by the powerful sonar device. The oceanographer returns to California, where she’s called in to investigate the mutilated corpse of a whale that has washed up on the beach. Before she can complete a thorough investigation, MacNeil is fired for stealing (and damaging) the submarine.³

Something about the beached cetacean doesn’t sit well with MacNeil, so she sneaks onto the site after dark and manages to retrieve a fragment of tooth lodged in one of the wounds. The fragment is more than a foot long, and it’s not until she teams up with her former teacher, Lamar Sanders (Sean Lawlor), that she is able to identify it as coming from a tooth that is perhaps eleven or twelve feet in length—a tooth that could only have come from the massive mouth of Carcharodon Megalodon.⁴ Mega-shark.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to MacNeil, the mouth in which her tooth fragment once resided is busy chomping on, of all things, a big ol’ jet airliner. That’s right, mega-shark leaps out of the water (presumably thousands of feet out of the water) to take down a passenger jet that has descended below the cloud cover to avoid turbulence. Mega-shark officially dominates both sea and sky (at least sky that’s over sea), which means humanity is totally screwed.

What is giant octopus⁵ up to while mega-shark feasts upon fresh whale with a side of passenger jet? Why, attacking an oil rig off the coast of Japan of course! Indeed, the colossal cephalopod unleashes eight tentacles of doom upon the oil-drilling platform,⁶ leaving only one survivor (Michael Teh) to tell the horrific tale. Dr. Seiji Shimada (Vic Chao) contacts Sanders for assistance identifying the attacker based on a police sketch. Shimada flies to California, where he meets with Sanders and MacNeil, who have acquired videotape shot during MacNeil’s submarine joyride. Comparing the sketch made by the survivor of the oil rig attack with a grainy shot of something moving past the submarine’s external camera, the trio come to the only reasonable conclusion: a giant octopus destroyed the oil rig.⁷

Meanwhile, the military has completely failed to kill mega-shark,⁸ and that has Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) in a cranky mood; not only isn’t mega-shark dead, the warship that was supposed to kill it has been destroyed, and warships are expensive.⁹ Baxter’s mood isn’t at all improved by the fact that he must now rely on Science to succeed where Big Friggin’ Guns have failed. But does Baxter bother to pick up a phone and ask Science to give him a hand? Of course not; he sends an armed commando squadron to Sanders’ house to abduct the scientists and their fancy brains.¹⁰

Sanders, MacNeil and Shimada decide that the best way to deal with the big beasts is to lure them into shallow water where they can be trapped and neutralized. Their efforts to create an effective means to attract the monsters are futile until Shimada and MacNeil duck out for a quickie in the broom closet and, basking in their afterglow, hit upon the idea of using pheromones to lure the creatures into the shallows.¹¹

Pop quiz: How do you know when you’ve hit upon the right formula for your pheromone-based prehistoric critter attractant? Why, when it glows, of course! Vive le Science!

Science accomplished, Shimada heads back to Japan to trap the giant octopus while Sanders and MacNeil use a mini-sub to set the pheromone bait in place for mega-shark. If all goes to plan, the prehistoric predator will be lured into San Francisco Bay, where it can be…well, the plan doesn’t really go into a whole lot of detail after mega-shark is in the bay, really; the scientists insist that the creature should not be killed, but there’s never much talk about how to confine and control a shark large enough to pluck jet airliners out of the sky. It’s okay, though, ’cause there’s just no way things will go according to plan.

Sure enough, Sanders has trouble with the mini-sub’s manipulator arm¹² and is unable to release the bait. As mega-shark approaches, MacNeil wrestles with the mini-sub’s controls, trying to knock the bait container free of the manipulator arm. She barely succeeds in time to maneuver the submersible out of the monster’s way.

Perhaps realizing that there’s not a whole lot of plan in their plan, Baxter orders the Navy to open fire, but once again the military’s Big Friggin’ Guns prove entirely useless against the awesome might of mega-shark. This tactic would probably have been more effective with a larger special effects budget. As it was, the underwater shots of mega-shark being buffeted by explosions were so poorly realized that it’s no wonder the monster got miffed and decided to eat the Golden Gate Bridge (but only after destroying another terribly expensive Navy warship).

Shimada uses the Navy sub’s videophone¹³ to report that his efforts to trap the giant octopus in Japan have yielded results: namely a pissed off cephalopod and massive human casualties. Science, it seems, has failed in a manner most epic.

Crankier than ever, Baxter wants to nuke every giant dorsal fin and oversized tentacle out of the ocean and damn the consequences.¹⁴ MacNeil offers an alternative solution: Sharktopus Deathmatch!¹⁵ The sassy scientist wants to use the pheromone bait to draw the two ancient enemies together for a long overdue, no-holds-barred grudge match.

Everybody who’s anybody (and there aren’t a lot of those) is already aboard one attack submarine or another, so they agree to used the pheromone bait to lure mega-giant octoshark into the Arctic Circle, where the pair will hopefully resume their Hatfield-Capulet feud and kill each other.¹⁶

With mega-shark in hot pursuit, Baxter, MacNeil and Sanders race toward the Alaskan coast to meet Shimada and the giant octopus. Mega-shark must be getting tired, because it’s having trouble catching the submarine despite the fact that it reportedly swam at 500 knots while chasing the pheromone bait into San Francisco Bay.¹⁷ Mega-shark eventually overtakes the sub and chomps down for a very special version of Seafood Delight, but not before Baxter, MacNeil and Sanders escape in the mini-sub. When mega-shark turns its baleful gaze¹⁸ upon the mini-sub, the trio is saved by Shimada’s timely intervention (and a broadside of torpedoes).

Shimada’s sub is grappled by the giant octopus, and it seems that MacNeil is about to lose her fine-scented lover until the cephalopod’s hatred of all things sharktacular comes into play. The tentacled terror releases Shimada’s sub in favor of getting all up in mega-shark’s gill(s) and Shimada is spared.

In the ensuing tussle, nearly every military submarine is either octopulverized or sharkenated. I give style points to giant octopus for demolishing several subs at once, but then immediately dock it several points for having mega-shark all wrapped up and then sticking a tentacle in the one place you don’t want to stick a tentacle when you’re wrasslin’ a shark. Come on, giant octopus! You’ve had 1.5 million years frozen in a glacier to think about this! I’ve seen your diminutive cousins open a screw-top jar, but you don’t realize that it’s a bad idea to stick your arm in a shark’s mouth? Get with the program!

The prehistoric pugilists sink into the icy depths, presumably to die in one another’s embrace, and our heroes return to dry land. Whatever becomes of Allan Baxter? I have no idea, but I’m sure there’s plenty of glowering involved. As for MacNeil and Shimada, they enjoy a romantic moment on the beach before Sanders barges in with infrared images of whatever beasties they’re all going to have to battle¹⁹ in the sequel.

I enjoy a schlocky creature feature as much as—and probably more than—the next guy, and have admittedly low standards when it comes to “The Most Dangerous Night on Television”, but Mega-Shark Versus Giant Octopus is a complete bait-and-switch. It’s a bad film made worse by a cheesy-yet-awesome trailer. Mega-shark attacks passenger jet! Giant octopus destroys fighter plane! Mega-shark eats the Golden Gate Bridge! Everything in the trailer (even Deborah Gibson’s “Thrilla in Manila” line) hints at the sort of ridiculous escapism that makes movies like Snakes on a Plane so much fun. The Asylum²⁰ appears to have thrown most of the budget into the few shots that made the trailer so awesome, leaving next to nothing for the eighty-eight minutes that weren’t in the trailer. Shots of mega-shark—all of which are very clearly computer-generated²¹—are recycled several times and the submarine interior sets are so sparsely decorated that they bear more resemblance to Shimada and MacNeil’s coital broom closet than anything one might see on an actual submarine. The final product wants to be “so bad it’s good”, but is just so bad.

1. If you’re expecting “Lost in Your Eyes” and “Electric Youth” jokes, you’re going to be disappointed; I’m more of a Tiffany fan. [↩]
2. Though octopodes indeed have tentacles, they are typically referred to as “arms”. If you ask me, tentacles are far cooler than arms, so I will continue to take some artistic liberty with the terminology. [↩]
3. Okay, let me get this straight: MacNeil works in California and somehow manages, on a lark, to not only make off with a research submarine but take it all the way to Alaska and back without her company sending the Coast Guard after her. Did she also “borrow” a boat to transport the submarine, or does this magnificent submersible actually have the range to make the round trip without a surface support vessel? [↩]
4. In fact, C. Megalodon‘s teeth were probably around seven inches long, so this shark is probably a Carcharodon Ultra-Mega-Megalodon. [↩]
5. Hmm. Mega-pus? [↩]
6. Ganbatte, Tako-Ooki! [↩]
7. It’s a fact: oil rigs are considered a delicacy among octopi. [↩]
8. It’s not even a little bit dead. [↩]
9. Well, real warships are expensive. Stock footage of warships with muzzle-flashes superimposed over the ever-bow-facing guns is probably significantly less expensive. Real warships also have keels; when the camera switches to mega-shark’s-eye-view for the deadly attack, the computer-generated hull of the warship is as flat and featureless as a toy boat in a bathtub. [↩]
10. If you must turn to Science, at least hold the scientists at gunpoint while they work. It reminds them that Guns > Science. [↩]
11. “You sure smell pretty.” “Eureka!” [↩]
12. I’d hate to be the maintenance technician who cleared the mini-sub for operation; his best hope of working around subs again is getting a job as a Sandwich Artist. [↩]
13. Surprise! Subs have videophones! Videophones that can be used while submerged! [↩]
14. Radioactive seas, massive loss of marine life, blah, blah, blah…Go hug a coral reef, hippie. [↩]
15. Technically, she compares it to the “Thrilla in Manila”, but I’d rather watch a Sharktopus Deathmatch any day of the week. [↩]
16. It never seems to occur to anyone that either beastie will survive. [↩]
17. By comparison, an SSN 21 Seawolf-class fast attack submarine has a top speed of 25-35 knots while submerged. [↩]
18. “Like a doll’s eyes…“ [↩]
19. With Science! [↩]
20. The same production company that brought you Snakes on a Train and Transmorphers. [↩]
21. The CGI mega-shark is very poorly done, apart from one or two shots that made it into the trailer and perhaps a few seconds of the Sharktopus Deathmatch. I’m okay with a shark that looks fake; I expect the shark to look fake, but not that fake. [↩]