As part of our training curriculum for minions learning the fine art of extracting information, we adopted the use of the ten questions made famous first by Bernard Pivot, then by James Lipton on Inside the Actor’s Studio.
Today we bring you a transcript of Minion #15367′s training session.
File #0001: Comrade Cockroach
During the Cold War, the USSR began the Vanguard Program, a top-secret military experiment for creating a super-soldier who could defeat the US’s top superhero, the Bold Eagle. A Spetznaz soldier with a natural affinity for hand-to-hand combat, Lenin Davidovich Bronshstien was a perfect fit. Lenin’s fighting prowess was to be enhanced with the abilities of the most resilient creature on Earth: the cockroach. The process gifted Lenin with miraculous healing capacity and an impressive sense of smell, as well the ability cling to any surface and process nutrients from what a normal human would consider poisonous, rotten or uneatable.Tovarish Tapakah—Comrade Cockroach—looked to be the man who would finally break the indomitable spirit of the Bold Eagle.
It was not to be. Though they fought often, the Bold Eagle was always the victor. In the eyes of the Vanguard Program, Comrade Cockroach was a failure, and they moved on. Though disavowed by the government that made him, Comrade Cockroach continues to be a thorn in the side of the American superhero community
What is your favorite word?
Пойдите In your tongue, is “go.” The Cockroach is man of action, you know? Go, go, go, you know? I do not sit around and wait. No good at a being couch potato. If there were sitting contest, The Cockroach would lose. To anyone. Is true! I go. I hear word, I go.
I have friend, Major Ursa. Is bear of a man, yes? I mean, is bear, is man, splat! Combined. Bear-man, you know? And he, he is excellent fighter, excellent soldier. But does not go. Does not go. Was always with book, with newspaper, with television. When word came, would go, but not fast. Would prefer to stay, to read.
Ursa sells the real estate, now. Is good fit. Always loved houses, Major Ursa did.
What is your least favorite word?
You may have guessed, eh? Is “wait.” I have friends, good friends, who wait, who plan. Dr. Mercury, you know her? She plans. She will wait for right moment. She can wait the way I will not. Cannot.
To me, to wait, is death. No, is worse than death. Is death without the ending, the stop. Is death without grace.
What turns you on?
This is going to sound all bragging, but is not. Is true. The Cockroach likes a sturdy woman, you know? Not a fragile girl. Is not bragging! Is not! Has nothing to do with bedroom. That something…that something else.
The Cockroach leads a life, well, is hard, this life. Is not for all women. I realize this. Is bloody, is bloody on hands. Fragile girls, they…it varies, you know? But in end, there is always the running and the screaming. It does not matter how you begin, if there are lies, or truths or nothing. Even if we begin in silence, once the blood is seen, the end is clear.
Too clear.
Women who cannot handle…well, I do not handle them, is all. Sturdy women. That is what I like. Yes.
What turns you off?
If I to be honest, is name. “Comrade Cockroach.” Sound silly, now. When I used it the first of times, was cool. So I thought. But now? Is no cool. Is silly.
Is why I tell the women “Call me Lenin.” Is name, is good name, To hear “Comrade Cockroach” in the rough and the tumble of the bedroom, is no good. Not for, you know, performance. No good.
What sound or noise do you love?
When you kill a man with a knife, there is noise–I do not expect you to know this, you are blameless, but there is noise. It is soft noise, so soft, no much more than a gasp. But is gasp cut short, you know? Severed. Quick. Were I a faith-fearing man, I would say sound is soul escaping from body, flying up to final reward. But I have seen too much. I know what sound is, truly. Sound is victim about to protest that his life is going, but it is gone before he can say one word.
Is beautiful, this noise.
You miss this sound with gun. There is too much…with the bang-bang, you are, you know, distracted. But when you are close, and there is only the silence of knives, and this sound, this is all you hear.
What sound or noise do you hate?
After Vanguard Program decide it no longer want the Cockroach, they turn to new project. This new project is not like me, is not special man. Is special suit. Suit is all metal, is armor, you know? Flies around on the jet boots, vroooooom. Is called C.O.S.S.A.C.K. Vanguard Program, they love C.O.S.S.A.C.K. It man in suit. Man dies, then new man wears suit. Who knows? Not Russian people. They love C.O.S.S.A.C.K. Do they know is never same man in suit? No. Do they care? No.
You think, with all this love, this attention, C.O.S.S.A.C.K. has done something great. No. Is no true. C.O.S.S.A.C.K. has killed Bold Eagle as many time as the Cockroach has. Which is zero. But who gets parades, toys, show on the television? Is not the Cockroach.
I hate the theme song to the C.O.S.S.A.C.K. show on the television. Is played everywhere. Is stupid song for stupid suit.
What is your favorite curse word?
Curses for men who do not know discipline. Words…words worth so much, you know? Words are for heart. Curses, curses are not for heart. Curses come from belly. Men who do not know discipline, they speak from belly. Belly leads them through life.
Is not so with the Cockroach. The Cockroach only speaks from heart
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
There is show, on the television. Is about man, in blue box? Goes around with the vroop vroop, yes? Always fighting the monsters in the time and the space?
What is that job? Because the Cockroach would like to have it.
What profession would you not like to do?
Seliing the real estate. Is no for me. I have seen, seen it done. Is no for me.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive
at the Pearly Gates?
Heaven does not exist. This, I know. But, we will play your little game. If Heaven exists. Okay. If Heaven exists.
If Heaven exists…it would not matter. I would not see it. To go to heaven, one must die, yes? That is requirement? Die, go to Heaven. Well, then. There is your answer. One must die to go to Heaven. And the Cockroach does not die.
Session Notes
Comrade Cockroach is the creation of Jared Axelrod.
Jared is an author, an illustrator, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that he’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it.
He is a founding member of the daily flash-fiction website 365 TOMORROWS, and the writer and producer of two science-fiction podcasts, “The Voice Of Free Planet X” and the serial “Aliens You Will Meet.
He is not domestic, he is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.
Learn more about him at jaredaxelrod.com, and listen to his most recent work, Fables of the Flying City at fablesoftheflyingcity.com.
In addition to writing the adventures of Ashe and the other denizens of the flying city of Amperstam, Jared Axelrod is the writer of the webcomic “All Write!” for the website I Should Be Writing. His written work has been published in the anthologies Podthology: The Pod Complex, as well as The Sovereign Era: Year One, Salt and End Of Time, as well asNeometropolis and Escape Pod magazines. He was a founding writer for 365 Tomorrows. His illustration work can be seen on the cover of the novel Brave Men Run, and accompanying the original audio version of the novels Playing For Keeps and Cybrosis. He currently resides in Philadelphia with his immensely talented wife.
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