Jan

25

Termination Notice #00000043: Merlin Mann

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Merlin Mann has caught on to part of plan #ER1/B.

Control, dispatch the Jackbooted Thugs to deal with him.

That is all.

Popularity: 72% [?]

Jan

22

Memo #00004569: Timegate Receiving and Assimilation

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To All,

You will see some new faces around the compound over the next few weeks as the first stages of our Timegate Program begin to bear fruit. Certain select members of races from the future and past have been brought to Lair to gather intelligence on various segments of Earth culture1. Our Dept. of Physical Restructuring and Camouflage have been hard at work making some of the more exotic races fit in.

Witness their work:

BEFORE AFTER
Klingon Ken Newquist



Keep up the good work, gentlemen.

-The Mgmt

Popularity: 71% [?]

  1. For a hefty price, I might add [↩]

Jan

18

Preview: The Secret Lair Logo

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We are one step closer to having our grand plan realized. Natalie Metzger has been tirelessly slaving away on a logo for your beloved Evil Overlords. Behold, the rough draft!1

The Secret Lair, v3

Cannot wait to see the finished product, which will have a place of honor as the new masthead of the website. Thanks, Natalie!

Popularity: 75% [?]

  1. That, in the background, is the Cleveland skyline, for those of you not wordly enough to recognize it on sight [↩]

Jan

14

Internal Memo #00031714

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To: All Personnel

From: Management

Subject: Use of OSHA-approved warning signs.

The warning signs that were posted at fifteen-foot intervals around the perimeter of the moat have been removed and should not be replaced. Bright yellow signs informing unauthorized visitors of the existence of the moat and its various carnivorous inhabitants are not necessary and, in fact, contrary to the design and purpose of the moat.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Popularity: 73% [?]

Jan

4

Meanwhile, somewhere near Cleveland…

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Welcome to The Secret Lair. Visitors who wish to leave alive will wipe their feet on the mat before entering. By entering The Secret Lair, you are indicating that you have read and agree with our Terms of Entry and consent to having your memories altered and/or erased before leaving.1 Please place any weapons on the tray to your left before proceeding into the foyer. Failure to comply with this will result in total molecular disintegration as you pass through the threshold weapons scanners.2 Disabling or tampering with scanners is prohibited and will result in immediate termination. Please notify the medical droid if you are hemophiliac so special precautions can be taken during the blood and DNA screening processes. Entrance to temporal travelers, “mythical” creatures, other-dimensional beings and most aliens is restricted.3

Thank you for not smoking.

Now that we’ve got the technicalities out of the way, let me welcome you once again to The Secret Lair. As you may or may not be aware, we are presently somewhere in the vicinity of Cleveland, Ohio. I’m not going to divulge the exact location—we’re shielded from most satellite and cellular communications here, so even if we’d let you keep your fancy cell phone you wouldn’t be able to pinpoint our present latitude and longitude—not because I don’t trust you4, but because we’re still working a few glitches out of our memory alteration software and I can’t risk one of you remembering that little (but very critical) bit of information and contacting local or federal authorities.

Chris and I put a lot of hard work into the Lair, not to mention a lot of money. If you’ve ever watched a spy movie and wondered where the evil genius got the cash to build his luxurious, high-tech base and how he managed to get it constructed right under the noses of every goody-two-shoes on the block, I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s a major pain in the ass. If you had to put up with all the headaches (bureaucratic and otherwise) involved with the construction of such a facility, you’d want to take out your frustrations on all of humanity, too. Dealing with the zoning commission alone has been nothing short of nightmarish; as a result, they’re right up at the top of our master list of people and organizations that will soon be crushed between our boot heels.

You might be thinking that one approach would be to simply disintegrate (or, for the pacifists among you, mind-wipe) all the various contractors, sub-contractors and bureaucrats once the work has been completed, thus eliminating the need to pay (or bribe) them. Believe me, we considered it. Unfortunately, the disintegrators we wanted were on back order and didn’t arrive until just last week. Plus, there’s only so long Joe Bricklayer will work without seeing a check and building a facility of this size isn’t something that’s done overnight. I’ve already mentioned the software glitch in our memory alterators, so to make a long story short, we had to keep mailing those checks.5

Labor aside, there’s also the matter of materials. Chris insisted on Makrana marble floors in most of the living quarters and “public” areas of the Lair6, so we had to import umpteen tons of the stuff from India; expensive, but totally worth it. The same goes for the coral we transplanted to our subterranean shark tank, to say nothing of the cost of capturing, transporting and keeping fifteen Great White sharks.7

We used the finest materials, hired only skilled craftsmen, and managed the entire project with strict quality control guidelines. With such exacting standards and high expectations come pricetags that approach astronomical. I say “approach”, because our original plan was to build The Secret Lair on the moon, and the estimate for terraforming the Sea of Tranquility8 alone was mind-boggling. Our Nigerian Finance Minister scams wouldn’t have even come close to covering the cost. Even on Earth, the project budget rivaled that of the entire United States military for 2005, 2006 and 20079 The result of our efforts and expenditures, if I may be immodest for a moment, is nothing short of astounding. It is our hope that The Secret Lair will be the creative space we need to produce entertaining podcasts through which we will subtly and subliminally subvert the thoughts and desires of the throngs who will be compelled (through our nefarious marketing schemes) to listen and, subsequently, to obey.

Please watch your step as you enter the main hall. The disintegrators weren’t calibrated properly when the cleaning crew arrived yesterday and there was a bit of a mix-up with the weapons scanner (which has almost certainly been resolved by now). The new cleaning crew will be on site shortly to clean up the mess. In the mean time, tread carefully; Makrana marble can be quite slippery when wet.

 
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Popularity: 78% [?]

  1. If you choose not to enter at this time, your memories will be altered and/or erased without your consent. [↩]
  2. For obvious reasons, we classify any and all blood borne nanites as potential threats. [↩]
  3. Refer to Section 51, Sub-section B, Paragraph 3 of the Terms of Entry for exceptions. [↩]
  4. I don’t. [↩]
  5. Until the job was complete, at which point we disintegrated everybody. [↩]
  6. ”Dude,” Chris said, “it’s what the Taj Mahal is made of!” [↩]
  7. Two words: budget overrun. [↩]
  8. Yes, we would have renamed it. [↩]
  9. In fact, that’s where we appropriated the bulk of our funds. [↩]

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