The Secret Lair

Dropping 7. Or 2. We can drop 2.

This was originally to be a review of you’d-better-own-it-by-now-if-you-have-an-iPhone Drop 7, but quickly slid into the ranting of a discontented grognard when I discovered the news of that game property’s sale to a different company, and it’s subsequent tweaking. Hold on, let me get my beating cane¹… there we go. Let’s do this.

Time was, if you wanted buy a program for your home computer, be it a game or a word processor, you could go to the store and buy it in a box. This was very similar to how one would go out to buy, say, a hardback novel or an eggplant, and came with a similar consumer-minded set of expectations: the thing that you bought was tangibly yours to do with as you please, it was a final product that was professionally finished and complete, and it did exactly what you would expect it to². We have not entirely left this time behind us yet, but new methods for sale and delivery of software, as well as new devices on which to use it, have forced us to shelve this older consumer perspective is favor of wrestling with what ownership, copyright, and even “a finished program” mean in the digital age.

As an old geezer from the heady days of the early retail computer era, I lamented the original changes I saw with the rise of the Internet as a way to aid software distribution. The first steps were baby ones, taken with the screetch and stutter of modemry. These involved shareware/demos/smaller utilities, because there was NO WAY that people would be crazy enough to either distribute or receive full programs online((Well, someone who didn’t have a few days, a hundred floppy disks, and access to a BBS or five of that dealt in something called warez. Which was never me. Nope.)). What stoked my ire was the trend of developers realizing that this new thing gave them an “out” when it came to a finished project – no longer did the thing that was in the box need to work perfectly, or even be the final thing, as you could just provide a patch over the Internet for any problems once the software was released. Of course, business decisions being what they are, this led to cases of software being shipped in an essentially unusable state in order to meet an arbitrary sales deadline, with the assumption on someone’s part that this was okay to do because it could be fixed later.

Fortunately, as we have boldly stepped into the future, good business sense has often prevailed, and instances of such profit-focused shortcutting remain the rare exception. Also, the ever-increasing prevalence of high-bandwidth SKYNET Internet access and the always-improving tech specs of comp-u-tronic devices have led to digital distribution methods for entire, large programs³. That noted, interest of late has surged in creating more streamlined software optimized for digital distribution. The rise of the smartphone as a popular and viable platform has brought this idea to the fore, in the concept of the app. Central to the app idea is not just that it’s a program, but it’s a program that can be updated periodically to add new features, or overcome issues with a new iteration of the smartphone flavor of the week. The end result is a program that, depending on what it is intended to do, may never have a final version.

This makes sense for many apps, but for certain programs and games, once the developer gets it right, there’s never a need to issue another update⁴. But when one is wedded to an auto-update service like iTunes/the Apple App Store for us iPhone users, the potential exists for a developer to not leave well enough alone, and decide to change a program that’s worked just fine for years for inscrutable reasons, yielding a net negative for the consumer.

Let us consider the case of the game Drop 7. *smacks beating cane into palm*

Drop 7 is my first recommendation whenever someone asks what to snag as a game for the iPhone. Owning a bit of inspiration from both Tetris and Bejeweled, Drop 7 is a puzzle game that involves dropping balls onto a 7 by 7 gameboard, using tactical number matching to clear the screen and score points. It strikes the sweet spot for a phone game – short, easy to return to if interrupted, and with just the right mix of luck and challenge – so much so that it’s my reflex to load it anywhere from a prolonged elevator ride to when a commercial comes on live television. Since coming to market in early 2009, it’s been critically well-reviewed and has made numerous Top-Whatever lists for iPhone games. Apart from tweaks for issues with new iPhone OS releases, it hasn’t seen any frequent updates, because it hasn’t needed any. I paid the few measly dollars, I played a ridiculous amount, and all was well.

At least, until a few weeks ago, when Area/Code Entertainment sold Drop 7 to developer Zynga, who then released an auto-update for the game, as well as a completely new version. And as the Internet is want to do, bad reviews commenced.

Zynga decided they needed to release a new version with “enhanced retinal display graphics”⁵, in both a free ad-supported version and a pay ad-replete version. By many counts, the graphics are apparently optimized for the retinas of hagfish, and furthermore, many users are experiencing bugs that make the game unplayable. Fortunately, as an owner of the original version, I am not being forced to download either of the new ones. Unfortunately, Zynga wants to push me towards downloading the new stuff, so released an update for my version that includes an obnoxious screen with the start of every game that asks if I want to download the new retinal-rrific experience. It only stands to reason that in the future, they may phase out the old app entirely.

While it seems a relatively minor quibble, keep in mind that I’m holding a beating cane. Also, it brings up an interesting side effect of auto-update services like iTunes, in that you may be repeatedly prompted to download a new version that you know is inferior to the current one. Yes, you can choose not to update that particular app, but anyone who has used iTunes knows that the momentum of the service is to update everything, and to retain an older version of any app is inconvenient at best.

Despite my grumblings, I look forward to the further expansion of digital software delivery, and the eventual death of going to a brick and mortar⁶ to buy a computer program. One of the biggest challenges will be for the consumer mindset to move away from the expectation of buying a box that contains the final, finished program. Digital delivery offers the promise of being able to deliver valuable new content and updates, as well as bug fixes, immediately⁷. One of the largest threats to consumers accepting this is the potential for developers to want to make changes to a stellar chunk of code for the sake of change itself, and being locked in to services like iTunes which don’t give consumers the easy autonomy to avoid unwanted updates. Here’s hoping that other parties in our lovely free market environment can develop delivery systems that allow for more robust user content and update control so that it’s just as easy to stay with a software version that works as it is to upgrade to a newer one.

At Zynga, I point my beating cane disapprovingly. But not for too long, because I can start a new game in the time this takes to upload.

Drop 7 gameplay video

1. I really do need a beating cane. Ideally, it would be a stout and true shillelagh, because I’m 1/8th Irish. Also, if I were able to obtain any superpower, it would be to project bolts of energy through said shillelagh ala Black Tom Cassidy, because, really, who wouldn’t do that if they could. Not I. [↩]
2. This is a separate issue from said software not working because the purchaser was an idiot didn’t ensure that it was compatible with their computer. From my ancient customer service and tech support experience at CompUSA, I can assure you that 99% of the software returns for “it not working” were due to user error, either in terms of trying to use a program on a system it wasn’t rated for, or something the user had done to the hardware or during the install that borked things up; it was a relatively rare thing for it to be totally the software’s fault. [↩]
3. Valve Software’s Steam service is a prime example from the gaming realm. [↩]
4. Barring the predictable future issues with a phone OS upgrade, of course [↩]
5. Really, the person who wrote that ad copy must have worked on Star Trek as one of the people who inserted tech jargon into scripts. [↩]
6. RIP CompUSA, specifically the Dayton, OH, store, d. 2007 [↩]
7. I would not at all be surprised if franchise programs, like office suites or sports games that put out a new version every year or few, eventually move to a subscription model to the end user, instead of requiring the purchase of a new program on a regular basis. [↩]

What a sad world we live in when spaceflight has become blasé.

Discovery has flown her last mission and unless the private sector continues to pursue it, America has given up her place as a pioneer in manned spaceflight. All things must end, but when I reflect on the fact that cellphone footage of a rebellion in Libya that had been going on for a week drowned out the final flight of what was once America’s dream, I feel more than a little sad.

We forget the wonder. We have more stories to distract us, endless amounts of “science fiction-ish” entertainment with CGI aliens so real-look you’d swear you could bump into one at Starbucks. As a society, we’re more absorbed with Angry Birds than with exploring the stars. How banal, how shallow, how very, very sad.

Did you know NASA has just completed their first successful orbit of the planet Mercury?  Haven’t heard of the MESSENGER project on your FOX, CNN, HLN, or NPR?  Neither have I. I found out thanks to reading Charles Stross’s blog. I had to read a Scottish science fiction author’s blog to realize that NASA was doing something amazing.

That’s just so very wrong.

We geeks love our science fiction entertainment. How many novels have you read that involved spaceflight? How about computer technology developed in-part because of the space program? How about stories about extra-planetary colonization? Aliens and offworlders?

And then…think about the last time you reading about NASA in the news when it wasn’t a tragedy. THe “everyday” work of exploring the vast reaches beyond our atmosphere.  The chick that sang the Friday, Friday song is getting more press than NASA is right now. What does that say about us a culture?

I’m as culpable as anyone. Worse, in many ways. My father worked for NASA. In my parents’ attic are boxes of memorabilia that I kept: posters of the Saturn V rocket, promotional material for the Space Shuttle while it was in construction, stack after stack of educational pamphlets and other Really Cool Things. I should be paying better attention. I remember how amazing sending men into space felt, what it triggered in my imagination. I remember both the wonder fo watching the Space Shuttle take off and the horrying sense of grief and loss that came from the Challenger tragedy. Yet, I’m as oblivious as anyone else these days.

We need a little more cool science in our lives. We need to be reminded that there are wonders beyond HD TV and Netflix. That the universe is full of Neat Shit, and we aren’t nearly as smart as we think we are.

Take some time this week and consider the amazing time in which we live. Go find out why something works. Spend some time reading up on what’s going on in space exploration. Remind yourself that there are more wonders out there than in your Star Trek Fanfic or your Harry Potter trivia book.

Part 1 – Myths About Introverts

I was recently in need of some educational credits for work, and I decided to check out a book about introverted leadership. To my dismay, I quickly discovered that the book was written by an extrovert. I gave up about halfway through the small tome, feeling ickier and more ill-used than usual.

After stewing on the issue for a while and writing a scathing review on Amazon, I decided to set the record straight regarding those whom society has judged based on their personality types. I have a personal hypothesis that geeky pursuits tend to appeal more towards introverts for a number of reasons, and so introversion may be overrepresented in that crowd. Feel free to use the following as a quick and easy reference for understanding the introverts that walk among us.

Myth: Introverts are shy and socially incompetent.

The first thing you need to understand about introversion is that it is all about energy. Where does your energy come from and what causes you to burn it? Introverts live in their heads, where they indulge rich and vivid imaginations. They charge their batteries with solitary activities where their minds are free to wander and explore. By contrast, extroverts live outside of their head, processing their thoughts out loud and gaining energy through interactive experiences.

Introverts are not shy. They simply do not feel the need to verbally share every thought that crosses their mind. Find a topic that interests an introvert or something about which they are passionate and you will find more conversation than you bargained for. At times, an introvert may seem unresponsive, but in fact they may be internally processing what is being discussed. Unfortunately, conversations often leave introverts behind, moving on to other topics before they have fully processed their thoughts. This reinforces the stereotype of shyness.

Myth: Introverts are afraid to speak in public.

Speaking in public is a skill, just like social skills or any other. It can be developed and honed through practice and training. You would be surprised at the number of actors, instructors, and professional speakers who are actually introverts. Anyone can be afraid of speaking in public, and being an extrovert does not give one a natural advantage at the skill. We have all seen the person who gets to a microphone, is obviously quite nervous, and then won’t shut up. Their abundance of words does not make them a good public speaker. It makes them an embarrassment. An introvert that overcomes a fear of speaking and hones that skill may actually make a better speaker, remaining succinct, entertaining, and on topic.

Myth: Introverts don’t like to socialize

Correction: Introverts don’t like to socialize with large groups of strangers making small talk about topics that do not interest them. To an introvert, that is a waste of words and emotional energy. Introverts prefer small groups of close friends discussing things about which they are passionate.

Myth: Introverts don’t have any friends.

Think in terms of breadth versus depth. An extrovert is more likely to have a broad group of people they refer to as “friends,” but an introvert might refer to those same people as “acquaintances.” Placing value on their private lives and thoughts, introverts may bring fewer people into that inner circle. It is mostly semantics. Introverts may have many friends, but only a few that they consider “close friends.” Extroverts are certainly capable of deep relationships, but may not draw clear boundaries between those and others they know.

Myth: Introverts are a minority.

This is actually a myth that stems from bad data that has been quoted and requited until it has become its own source reference.¹ The collective results of years using instruments like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator has shown that introverts, like most personality traits, represent half of the American population if not a little more. The problem is that we have created a culture that values extroversion. Professional expectations, the entertainment industry, and pervasive myths place introverts at a cultural disadvantage for success.

Myth: Introversion is a disability to overcome.

Baloney. Knowing that I am an introvert does not communicate anything about my skills and abilities. It tells me how I gain and spend my emotional energy; what will feed my soul or drain me. I don’t need to “overcome” anything in order to communicate effectively, manage people, or be productive. I just need a little self awareness.

Introvert husbandry is not such a difficult line of work. If you find yourself in a position to care for an introvert, understanding how their brain works will go a long way to smooth the road in developing your relationship. If you consider yourself to be an introvert, remember that a little self awareness is good for anyone. Understand the myths that exist out there, the expectations of an extroverted society, and your own natural tendencies, and you won’t seem like such a weirdo.

1. Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength, by Laurie Helgoe Ph.D. – an excellent read, if you are so inclined [↩]

My wife and son have food allergies. Both are allergic to tree nuts and peanuts, and my wife has an intolerance to all things containing even trace amounts of wheat or wheat by-products. As a result, doing the shopping every week is a challege. We need to plan for her menu, the kids’ menu, and my menu, as I am working hard to lose weight.

I work very hard to NOT have three menus. I try to make things that will feed everyone. The Venn diagram of the ingredients that I can use to make dinner limits us. It’s a battle, but the rigid borders proscribe a small circle which causes us to eat very differently from those around us. Fast food is out. Lots of white flour and carbs are out. Processed and frozen foods are out.  Most things need to be made fresh, from scratch.

I love to cook, and I love a cooking challenge. The result is that I’ve expanded my ability to to cook well from scratch. I’ve learned how various components interact, and how to substitute gluten-free items for more conventional fare. The challenge of the working within the boundaries has caused me to level up.

In this age of constant data and wondrous new technologies, I think it is tempting to put of starting projects until one has all the tools one thinks one needs. The idea of simply making due with what one has can fall by the wayside in the name of “getting it right.”  I believe this is just an excuse, and as a result, causes one not to act on one’s desires to do neat things. I’m reminded of the story that a technical author once told about working on a book for O’Reilly. He was so obsessed with getting the typography right that he never actually finished the book. Rather than doing the most basic thing, writing the book in text files, he obsessed on the layout and font composing that fancier word processors allowed him. As a result, the project suffered.

Boundaries causes us to stretch out creativity. With boundaries, you get Star Wars: A New Hope. Without boundaries, you get The Phantom Menace. Lucas had limited resources on the former, and limitless on the latter. Look at the difference.

When starting your next project, work within your boundaries. Keep it simple and streamlined. Do the work, don’t worry about the fancy toys. That’s the only way to push yourself and realize that latent creative genius lurking within.

I confess. I am a wannabe junky for Massively Multiplayer Online games (MMOs).  I say wannabe, because I have yet to find the right game that scratches my itch for the MMO experience. Perhaps the closest I have ever come to that level of passion and devotion was when playing the original Everquest.  That experience ended with the birth of our first child, when my wife said to me “I don’t think you realize the extent to which this child has changed our life.”  She was right, of course. Being a dad is a lot more important (and fun) than camping for another <generic creature> to kill and acquire another <generic material> to make another piece of <generic armor>.

Since that time, I have sampled many MMOs, but I have not stuck with any of them for more than a month or so. I have also spent a lot of time thinking about why those games fall short of what, in my opinion, prevents them from being great games.  Let us hit a few of the highlights:

Endless Combat
Is this all the Role Playing game has become? Must everything be about the next kill / battle / raid?

Grinding
Constantly repeating actions in order to advance skill just so you can reach the next level is not that much fun. I have seen people wedge their keyboard keys down so they can keep running or swimming just to increase those skills.

Career Options
Really, you can only be an exceptional craftsperson (merchant) if you have the fighting skills to go out and get your own supplies. Want to be a priest, monk, or cartographer, you’d better be a fighter first.

Instances
“Lord Muckgrunk is a real challenge to take down, so we’re going to let everyone kill him once every ten minutes.” or “That other group just entered that dungeon, but don’t worry about running into them. They have entered a parallel dimension where everything is fresh and new for them.”  Instances might as well be minigames in a pub for as much as they contribute to a persistent game world.

Yard Trash
Apparently, all major metropolitan areas within games cannot extend their peaceful existence more than about fifty yards from their front gate.

NPCs, or Lack Thereof
I played a game for a while where frequently I was the only person in the entire city, and the only NPCs in the city  stood stock still in their shops all hours of the day and night. There were no wandering NPCs, no other players, and apparently undead shopkeepers. It was creepy.

Ganking and Consequences, or Lack Thereof
I’ll address the accusations of “Care Bear” gaming a bit later, but giving gamers free reign to kill or take advantage of other players without consequence is just dumb. I’m all about dangerous gameplay, however there should be consequences beyond “this faction now hates you and you have to sneak into this city.”

The list could go on and on.

Why do games fall victim to these common and worn out elements? Personally, I blame the wildly successful consoles. The rise of the console gaming platform has contributed to a decline in role playing. If not a decline, then it is certainly transforming role playing as a genre. Role playing was originally born of the desire to explore and develop a character as though one were living in a story.  Gamers were less concerned with loot and power than developing a memorable character.  Console games have created an endless loop of “cut scene for exposition, follow with mission, follow with training or loot, follow with cut scene, follow with boss battle. Rinse and repeat.”  Since those games make lots and lots of money, it is only natural that all games try to mimic that success by using the same formulae. Unfortunately, it is the traditional roleplayer that gets left out in the cold. It may not be the most lucrative market, but I think there is room for a healthy niche.

This is where the Minister of Crackpot Schemes earns his title. If I had the capital, I know exactly how I would design and implement an MMO appealing to real roleplayers. Take a stroll with me now through Crackpot Scheme Number 763:

Permanent Character Death
This should go a long way to shut up all of the griefer gamers who complain about “Care Bear” games. Time to put your money where your mouth is.  Before you go up against an enemy or another player, better be sure you can win or escape, because there is no such thing as a “corpse run.” Your character is gone and so is your stuff. Sneaking through dangerous areas is much riskier now, not to mention raids. Big, bad monsters are big and bad for a reason. How much of your guild is an “acceptable loss” when going up against a dragon guarding its lair?

Consequences, Consequences
Want to be a thief? Assassin? Fine. Are you prepared to have a price on your head that other players can collect? If you ganked another player, how would you feel if his guildmates put a bounty on you? Let the thieves actually sneak into homes and businesses to steal things, but also create a way for some Crime Scene Investigation to occur that might reveal who they are. Combine consequences with permanent character death, and you have yourself a recipe for excitement that does not require massive monsters and demigods.

Limit the Grand Storylines
Provide an expansive and interesting world for your characters to play in and populate it with lots of NPCs and human actors. Leave out the global cataclysm. The only reason anyone cares is because it usually opens up high level raid areas to keep the 1337 crowd happy.

No Levels. No Classes
The open skill trees have been explored a little with existing games, but I’d take it further. There’d be no such thing as level. Skills and abilities come as you explore, train, and use other skills.

Real Player Housing
Put your house wherever you dang well feel like it, but you’d better be able to defend it. That’s where the mercenaries come in…

Mercenaries
Hire NPCs to run your shop, guard your house, and do menial tasks when you’re offline. You want to have a wizard’s tower in the middle of nowhere? Maybe you should invest in some guards. Are you an awesome blacksmith? Hire some NPC apprentices to create armor while you’re offline. It won’t be as good as yours, but it will provide you with a revenue stream.

Human NPCs
Less eye candy and more story. There are tons of people out there who would love to spend time as a game character in exchange for free play, in-game items, or even a small salary. Recruiting and managing a corps of gamers willing to contribute to the game world is completely possible.

Creating great MMOs should not be as hard as the industry has made it. I have notes upon notes of what else I would do regarding merchant classes, ships, mounts, physics, priests and tons more. That’s what it means to be the Kingfish – the crackpot schemes are a never ending stream, for better or for worse.

And if someone came to me with a pile of money and asked if I knew how to turn this into reality, the answer is yes.

Yes I do.

Watch out, world. I’m going to try my hand at gardening.

Yes, please…doubt me. I do. I have been staring at the timber box filled with soil that the previous owners left all winter, wondering just what the hell I’m going to do with it.  For them, it was a garden,. For me…well…it’s a box of dirt.

Unless. Unless I get some skin in the game. Unless I start to try to grow food.

This seems like something you should prepare for with schooling and hands-on training. After all…this is food…people will need to eat this stuff. It seems irresponsible in the extreme to let anyone who wants to pick up a hoe and start planting seeds¹.

And yet…it taunts me, this box of dirt. It challenges my manhood. It stands as a very concrete reminder that I have always wanted to try to Grow Things, and I have never done so. That’s about to change.

I have purchased a book. It has all sorts of full color pictures and maps and graphs and tables. This ensures my success. Armed with this book, a sturdy set of implements means for tilling the soil, and a handful of seed, I will coax life itself from my backyard this spring. This summer, we will enjoy the fruit of my labors, in the form of ripe, red tomatoes, green beans, peppers, and lettuce. Vegetables will burst forth from the earth at my touch and there will be great joy.

I’m ready. I’m willing. I’m convinced that I’m able.

Now, if only the snow would melt. Back to the books.

1. Get your mind out of the gutter. C’mon, people. [↩]

The reports of my carbonite  freezing have been greatly exaggerated. I am back, thawed and ready to rumble in that way that we do around the Lair.

Posts will follow shortly.

Brace yourself, Effie. This shit just got real.¹²

1. Am I mixing metaphors? No. Am I mixing movie quotes? Yes.  Back off man, I’m an Overlord. I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum. [↩]
2. See?  I did it again in the previous footnote. I’m on a roll. [↩]

There are bad guys and then there are bad guys. In fiction, the villains we love to hate (Cigarette Smoking Man, Magneto, Hannibal Lecter, Darth Vader) help keep the story interesting and engaging. A well-crafted villain keeps us coming back for more because he or she is a good match for the hero(es). Every once in a while, though, we encounter a bad guy that crosses one line or another and we just want them to die. We hate them so much that no other fate will be satisfactory; they must get their comeuppance in the most horrible, painful and fatal manner possible. Redemption? No thanks. Returning in the sequel? Don’t even think about it. Eaten by a shark, run over by a train, squashed by a woolly mammoth or sucked into the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space? Yes, please! Death isn’t too good for these fictional jackholes; it’s just right.

Here is a handful of such characters, none of whom have (yet) received their just deserts.

• Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) — The Ministry of Magic High Inquisitor who taught Defense Against the Dark Arts in Harry Potter’s fifth year at Hogwarts is vile from head to toe: not only does she abuse her position to impose draconian rules on the students, she is willfully ignorant in regards to the return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to the point that she submits The Boy Who Lived to some truly cruel and unusual punishments. Umbridge’s only redeeming quality is that her sheer vileness inspires Fred and George Weasley to revolt by means of some truly brilliant pranks. Dolores Umbridge eventually receives her comeuppance, earning a sentence in the wizard prison, Azkaban, which some might consider a fate worse than death.
• Joffrey Baratheon (A Song of Ice and Fire)  — Never mind that he is an illegitimate heir to the Iron Throne of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, the product of the queen’s incestuous relationship with her twin brother; Joff could hardly be blamed for what his mother and uncle were up to behind King Robert Baratheon’s back. And if the Prince is somewhat spoiled, well, that’s largely his mother’s doing, too—though, as role models go, his “father” the king left much to be desired. Joffrey has many qualities one might expect in a spoiled, adolescent boy: he is self-indulgent, quick-tempered, mean-spirited and his pride is easily bruised. One quality Joffrey does not possess is self-restraint, and after the untimely death of his “father,” the young monarch finds that—unlike most boys his age—he has the power to see his every sadistic whim become a reality and is not at all sparing in its exercise. Author George R. R. Martin is currently writing the fifth book (of seven) of A Song of Ice and Fire, so Joffrey’s uppance may still be some time in coming.
• George Hearst (Deadwood) — George Hearst is not a fictional character, but he’s included here because the HBO series Deadwood is known to have taken certain liberties where matters of historical accuracy are concerned. Hearst was portrayed (by Gerald McRaney) as a repulsive sociopath for whom nothing—not even cold-blooded murder—is out of bounds when it comes to satisfying his bottomless greed. As casino-owner and former Hearst-confederate Cy Tolliver (Powers Boothe) watches a triumphant Hearst ride out of Deadwood at the end of the series—having fixed the local election for sheriff and successfully acquired a lucrative mine by way of murder and intimidation—the sense of impotent rage is palpable; the smirking bastard is leaving a swath of destruction in his wake and as much as Tolliver—gun in hand—wants to pull the trigger and wipe the smile off Hearst’s face with brutal finality, there’s nothing he can do.
• The Joker (Batman) — Since the early 1970s, the Clown Prince of Crime has been on a decades-long killing spree that has claims hundreds (if not thousands) of lives, interrupted only briefly by occasional (and always temporary) incarceration in Arkham Asylum. Escaping from that institution is roughly as routine as walking out to the curb to retrieve the Sunday paper; as Forrest Gump might say, “And then I escaped from Arkham Asylum…again.” The Batman consistently refuses to kill The Joker on the grounds that he would (a) become just as bad as the criminal and (b) it’s exactly what The Joker wants him to do. Were Arkham Asylum anything resembling an effective means to separate The Joker from the rest of humanity one might forgive the former reason; the latter—being an unwillingness to allow The Joker to “win”—is just sheer hubris on The Batman’s part.

Happy Bastille Day everyone!¹ Here at the Secret Lair we like a good overthrowing, so long as the Overlords are the ones doing the overthrowing.² It also warms the cockles of the Overlords’ hearts when possible overlording competition is removed, even if said competition is over 200 years in the past.³

In celebration of this fine occasion, the Overlords proclaim that there should be cake. Cake that must be eaten.⁴

Without further ado, we present The Secret Lair Let Them Eat Cake Cake.⁵

The Secret Lair Let Them Eat Cake Cake Recipe⁶

Ingredients:

• 3-3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 3 packages or yeast (3/4 oz)
• 1/3 cup milk
• 5 large eggs
• 12-1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
• 1 cup bittersweet chocolate chips (the darker the better)
• 1 package cream cheese frosting, divided into three batches
• red and blue food coloring

Instructions:

1. Combine the flour, sugar, salt, and yeast in a bowl⁷.
2. Add the milk and eggs, mixing until all the flour is incorporated.⁸
3. Knead the dough until it’s uniformly mixed and smooth and sides o f the bowl become clean (5- 10 minutes).
4. Cut the butter into small pieces. Add the butter to the dough slowly, only a few pieces at a time, mixing the dough until everything is incorporated.
5. Knead the dough until there are no more chunks of butter, and the sides of the bowl become clean. The dough will become very smooth. This may take up to 15 minutes. You may need to add a little bit more flour, one tablespoon at a time to achieve this.
6. Cover the bowl tightly with plastic wrap and place it in a warm place (room temp.) for 2-3 hours or until the dough doubles in size.
7. Gently punch down the dough to deflate. Sprinkle a little bit of flour on the surface and place a piece of plastic wrap against the surface.
8. Cover the bowl well with plastic wrap again and place in the fridge until the dough doubles again (another 2-3 hours).
9. Deflate the dough again, extract it from the bowl, form it into a ball an d wrap with plastic wrap. Leave in the fridge for at least 6 hours or overnight.
10. Hooray! The dough is ready to be formed!
11. Butter a 9″ x 5″ loaf pan.Roll out the dough into a large rectangle that is about 7-8″ on its shortest side and 1/2″-1″ thick.
12. Sprinkle the chocolate chips over the surface of the rectangle, leaving some free space at one of the short ends. Roll the dough in on itself (like you’re rolling a rug⁹ ), covering the chocolate chips with the dough. Once you reach the end, pinch the dough to seal the ends.
13. Place the loaf in the pan. Cover with plastic wrap and place in a warm spot until it doubles in size (again 2-3 hours).
14. Preheat the oven to 375°F.
15. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes, or until dark golden. Turn out onto a rack. Thump the bottom – if it sounds hollow, the loaf is done. If not, put back in pan and cook for another 5 minutes.
16. Cool to room temp. on a rack.
17. Add blue food coloring to 1/3 of the frosting and mix until the color is uniform. Add red food coloring to 1/3 of the frosting mix until the color is uniform. Leave the last 1/3 white.
18. When the loaf is cool to the touch, frost the top of the loaf with one stripe of blue, white, and red like the French flag.
19. Et voila! C’est magnifique! Qu’ils mangent de la brioche!

1. Or at least those of you with an ounce or two of French-ish heritage. Or at least those of you that wished to had some sort of French-ish heritage. Or at least those of you who enjoy a croissant now and then. [↩]
2. As opposed to underthrowing. Although I hear those are fun too, but not as noisy. [↩]
3. Our scientists tell us they almost have all the bugs worked out of the Pogo Time Ball [↩]
4. OK. So for all you technical technicality technicians, the historical quote was actually “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche“. We know and we don’t care. I mean, brioche is sort of cake like anyway. [↩]
5. Or TSLLTECC for all you acronym junkies out there. [↩]
6. Technically brioche. You win this time, technical technicality technicians! Also, our scientists haven’t actually tested out this recipe yet, so, good luck. We’re fairly certain it’s non-explosive. [↩]
7. If you have a mixer with a dough hook, that will save you a lot of time and avoid cook’s cramp. [↩]
8. If using a mixer, you may need to stop it and scrape down the sides to get everything mixed in. [↩]
9. or a toilet paper roll [↩]

For Memorial Day, I went to the birthplace of Superman.

I drove to a neighborhood called Glenville on the east side of Cleveland.  There, at 10622 Kimberly Ave, is former home of one Jerry Siegel. It was in this house where he and his buddy Joe Shuster created on of the greatest icons in world culture.

This is the place where Superman was born.

Last year, author Brad Meltzer and a group of comic fans raised over $100,000 to renovate the birthplace of the most famous fictional character of the twentieth century. He pointed out, quite fairly, the City of Cleveland was letting the house rot, and that it was going to come down to the fans to save it.

And save it, they did.

Now, there’s a sign out front, and a plaque that tells you what you’re looking it.  But unless you knew to come here, you’d never know it existed.

The house is both inspirational and heartbreaking at the same time.  It’s wonderful that a bunch of people pitched in to raise money to save it. At the same time, the neighborhood is a mess. The vacant, boarded-up houses nearby are rotting; one had a sign to ward off looters: “NO COPPER. PVC PLUMBING ONLY.”

There are no fast food joints here. No large-chain gas stations. No Seven-Elevens. Hardly any business at all.

If there was ever a place that needed a hero, Glenville is it.

And yet, sitting there in my car, looking at the house, I was inspired. Two kids, two poor, frustrated, hormone-addled high-school kids created something wonderful there. That deserves some respect. That deserves some homage; some reverence.

Superman’s fame isn’t tawdry; it isn’t cheap. Unlike Batman, it isn’t born from angst and darkness. Superman is one of the most rare creations: he’s famous for being the Good Guy. There’s a purity to Superman that is utterly lacking in most pop culture icons. It’s his signature, his staying power; it’s why people still look to this fictional character with hope.

These two kids took a man and gave him three things: 1) Morals, 2) Strength, and 3) Bulletproof Skin¹.  That’s it. That was the formula. Hardly original. In fact, other parts of the Superman myth were cribbed entirely from other sources. Doc Savage, for instance, was known as the Man of Bronze and had a Fortress of Solitude. Superman was not created in a vacuum…he was a mashup of things that came before, and he is greater than the sum of his parts.

As a creative guy, this gives me hope. There is a myth of originality that creative folks cling to, as if there is anything new under the yellow sun. All we can do is remix and recast not only without shame, but also without guile.

And greatness? Superman achieved worldwide acclaim and recognition. The Siegel and Shuster families, however, have been fighting for the rights to Superman for years.

And the house in Glenville, where the two boys drew on old pieces of wallpaper, nearly passed away entirely.

The house serves as both inspiration and cautionary tale. It is both despair and hope, both dread and faith.

And between those, it endures.

Just like all of us.

(Click below to read the plaque)

(Originally published on Unquiet Desperation)

1. In the beginning, he couldn’t fly. He could only leap. [↩]