The Secret Lair

I think it’s safe to say that Overlord Miller is not a fan of the horror genre, though he does make the occasional exception where suave nosferatu and earthbound seraphim are concerned. By and large, his tolerance (or perhaps appetite) for grisly death and gore is significantly lower than mine. Despite this, I often suspect that Overlord Miller’s latent capacity for violence is greater than mine. I have neither anecdotal nor empirical evidence to bolster this suspicion, but there’s a reason I make a point of walking behind Overlord Miller whenever possible:¹ I don’t want to be the first thing he sees when he eventually snaps and goes on a convention-wide killing spree.

Whereas Overlord Miller is a seething cauldron of barely-contained fury and does not enjoy a good on-screen splatterfest, I have all the pent-up rage of a two-week-old kitten and likes me some cinematic blood and guts. It ought not surprise anyone, therefore, to learn that it was I—and not Overlord Miller—who watched three Friday the 13^th films in the last four days.

I don’t claim to be a connoisseur of horror films in general, nor of the Friday the 13^th franchise specifically, but I do enjoy watching Jason Voorhees dispatch a camp of college students from time to time.² The machete-wielding giant in the hockey mask, more than any of his ilk (Leatherface, Michael Meyers, Freddy Krueger), fascinates me. To me, Jason Voorhees is the bipedal equivalent of a giant crocodile, and we all know how I feel about giant crocodiles.

Or rather, Jason Voorhees was the bipedal equivalent of a giant crocodile until he got rebooted.³ In Friday the 13^th (2009),  Jason is pretty much the deformed love child of Alan “Dutch” Schaefer and Angus MacGyver; instead of an implacable, lumbering, unstoppable murder machine, the new Voorhees is a nimble, stealthy survivalist whose lair at Camp Crystal Lake is rigged with traps, an elaborate alarm system and a guest suite.⁴

While I could hardly argue that New Jason⁵ fails to get the job done (where “the job” is killing camps of horny, pot-smoking college kids), the way he goes about it lacks a certain je nais se quoi. Okay, that’s not true; I know exactly what New Jason lacks: inevitability. There’s something about the way Old Jason⁶ moves that speaks of a deadly inevitability; it doesn’t matter how fast you can run or how clever you are, he’s going to get you eventually. Old Jason lumbers tortoise-like, where New Jason dashes to and fro like a hare. Granted, New Jason is a hare with a machete, but the simple fact of the matter is that he doesn’t evoke the sense that he’s simply not going to stop until he crosses that finish line.⁷

My personal favorite performance by Kane Hodder as Old Jason is probably the least-popular Friday the 13^th installment among those who are true connoisseurs of the series: Jason X (2001). Also known as “Jason in Space”, the film begins in the far-flung future of 2010,⁸ when a captured Jason Voorhees is cryogenically frozen, and continues more than 400 years later when a group of students returns to a now-dead Earth (presumably on an archaeological field trip), finds the chilly killer and brings him back aboard their spaceship. Upon thawing him out, the students learn why Jason was put on ice in the first place: he’s pretty much impossible to kill. To make matters worse, Jason gets an “upgrade” about two-thirds of the way through the movie; down for the count after facing off against an ass-kicking android (Lisa Ryder), Jason is revived by a malfunctioning medical bay that uses nanobots to turn him into a nigh-invincible cyborg. Nothing but trouble, those nanobots.

Jason X may not be as gritty as some of its predecessors—I’ve dubbed it “novelty horror”—but Hodder’s Voorhees is perfect. He moves slowly with an occasional lethal burst of speed; he is an unrelenting, brutal killer, and he’s always turning up where his hapless victims least expect to find him. Jason Voorhees doesn’t need agility, cleverness or traps to do what he does. He’s not a cat or a spider; he’s a giant crocodile. And above all, he is inevitable.

1. In an invisible cone I call “Miller’s Wake”. [↩]
2. Much as a group of geese is commonly referred to as a “gaggle”, a group of college students—in the context of a Friday the 13^th film—is known as a “camp”. At least by me. [↩]
3. There’s been a lot of that going around lately, hasn’t there? [↩]
4. Oddly enough, the reason given for Jason’s murderous behavior is one often used when large predators seem to kill indiscriminately: he’s just protecting his territory. [↩]
5. Portrayed in the 2009 Friday the 13^th reboot by Derek Mears. [↩]
6. Portrayed most notably by Kane Hodder, thus far the only actor to ever don the hockey mask more than once. [↩]
7. What’s finished at that line? You. [↩]
8. Hey… [↩]

My fellow Overlord is all frothy about the new A-Team movie.
I’m sure the bromance between those four soldiers of fortune and their van might cause a few dedicated folks to seek out their local movie screens. For my part, I have only one thing to say.

Screw the A-Team. Where the hell is my Rockford Files movie?

Yes, I’m serious. The final moments of the trailer show just how asinine the A-Team movie is going to be: they are in a tank, which is falling from a blown-up airplane, and one of the merry band manages to shoot down the oncoming fighter jet with the tank-mounted machine guns. Really?  I mean…REALLY? I’ve not seen anything so unbelievable since my brother had Optimus Prime fight Darth Vader back in 1982 on our bedroom floor.

That’s the problem with the remakes today: they are conceived of and written by twelve-year-olds. If we can find some adults, some people with both the skill to write a proper mystery AND have an appreciation for the studliness of Jim Rockford, we might have a blockbuster on our hands.

Jim Rockford was to the 1970s what Thomas Magnum was to the 1980s which was what Philip Marlowe was to the 1940s: the quintessential bachelor sleuth of his generation. Resourceful, witty, surviving on little more than charm and dogged perseverance, Jim Rockford was a real guy. He had a cool car, he wasn’t tied down. He lived out of a trailer in Malibu and preferred to talk his way out of trouble instead of meeting with with fists and a gun.

James Garner, when creating the role, said they he took his con-man character from Maverick and mixed it with a bit of Philip Marlowe. Fast-talking, wise-cracking, often confused and befuddled by the twists the cases took, Rockford was THE private eye many of my generation remember, usually from reruns on the local UHF station’s Sunday afternoon lineup.¹.

From the Museum of Broadcast Communications:

The Rockford Files is generally regarded (along with Harry O) as one of the finest private eye series of the 1970s, and indeed of all time, consistently ranked at or near the top in polls of viewers, critics, and mystery writers. The series offered superbly-plotted mysteries, with the requisite amounts of action, yet it was also something of a revisionist take on the hard-boiled detective genre, grounded more in character than crime, and infused with humor and realistic relationships. Driven by brilliant writing, an ensemble of winning characters, and the charm of its star, James Garner, the series went from prime-time Nielsen hit in the seventies, to a syndication staple with a loyal cult following in the eighties, spawning a series of made-for-TV movie sequels beginning in 1994.

Rockford leaves an impression, and in this Overlord’s not-so-humble opinion, he deserves a revival. The franchise could be pure gold.

Assuming they get someone decent to write it.

And direct it.

And…

*pause*

Maybe I’m better off with my memories.

1. The Rockford Files also has one of the greatest theme songs in the history of television. Just sayin’ [↩]

Overlord Miller and I ventured out of the lair over the weekend to see Daybreakers at one of our local mega-theaters. While I enjoyed The Spierig Brothers’ take on contemporary vampires a bit more than Overlord Miller, I’m not going to expand upon his review of the film. Rather, I’m going to talk about one of the trailers we saw as the house lights were being dimmed. I don’t know if it’s technically possible to spoil a movie trailer, but I’m probably going to do just that.

The A-Team. What do you need to know about The A-Team trailer? Well, for starters, there’s the cast. Liam Neeson (Taken) plays Col. John “Hannibal” Smith, a role originated by the late, great George Peppard. In true Hannibal fashion, Neeson is sporting gray hair and he grins around a cigar when he delivers the line most associated with the leader of The A-Team, “I love it when a plan comes together.” Sharlto Copley (District 9) plays H. M. “Howling Mad” Murdock, and he has the best line in the trailer, but we’ll get to that in a minute. Ultimate Fighter Quinton “Rampage” Jackson plays B.A. “Bad Attitude” Baracus, and he’s got the Mister T look nailed, but nary a fool is proper pitied (though one acetylene torch is ignited). Oh, and some pretty boy plays Templeton “The Faceman” Peck, but who cares?¹ Ladies, he’s shirtless and there’s an almost-kiss (with Jessica Biel, I think); not enough to completely ruin the trailer, though. There are plenty of explosions, a few wisecracks, a slow-pan reveal of B.A.’s mohawk, and a tender reunion with a certain GMC van, all with a voiceover nearly identical to that heard over the opening credits of the television show and orchestral strains of the instantly-recognizable theme song. There’s no real indication of the movie’s plot, nor are we really introduced to any characters other than the “elite commando unit” convicted of a crime they did not commit. As with any good trailer, the clincher is in the last few seconds: flying a heavy cargo plane and under fire from a hostile aircraft, Murdock twangs, “If you look out of the right-hand side of the aircraft, you’ll notice that the right wing is on fire.” A few seconds later, the plane explodinates, but all is not lost: The A-Team have escaped in a tank equipped with parachutes and a mounted machine gun, the latter of which is then used to shoot down the enemy plane. Sure, it’s outlandish, but it’s based on a television series in which thousands of rounds of spent ammunition and countless explosions rarely—if ever—resulted in a fatality; it would be silly to expect anything less.

The A-Team trailer hits all the right nostalgia buttons: the look of the characters, the iconic GMC van, the theme music and the promise that “if you need help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…The A-Team.” The only thing missing is B.A. saying, “I ain’t gettin’ on no plane, Hannibal” and the bit where Faceman gets Murdock out of the VA hospital.

Rating: 4 out of 5 flipped military Jeeps.

Will Overlord Johnson see The A-Team in the theater? Almost certainly.

Will Overlord Miller? Somehow I doubt it.

1. It’s Bradley Cooper (The Hangover), all right? Bradley Cooper. [↩]

Sony announced Monday that they’re scrapping plans for a Sam Raimi-directed Spider-Man 4 and moving forward with a reboot of the franchise instead. It seems that there were some creative differences between Sam Raimi and the studio, which led to Raimi’s departure from the film and Sony’s decision to return the webslinger to high school, presumably to re-tell his origin story with another director and cast. That means saying farewell to Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker and Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane Watson and hello to teen angst and acne.

I’m okay with that. I don’t think it’s too soon for a reboot, nor do I think that a Spider-Man movie with a new cast will have a hard time finding an audience. Here’s why:

Spider-Man 3 was terrible. Deny-its-existence terrible. Let us never speak of it again, as there are plenty of reasons to want a reboot that don’t involve Emo Peter and the Inappropriate Dance Number.

I watched Spider-Man (2002) with my son over the weekend, and I was surprised at how incredibly mediocre it is. Perhaps it’s these rose-colored glasses through which I look back in time, but I could have sworn that Spider-Man was made of awesome at one point. What happened? Well, for starters, I think I forgot to watch Spider-Man as a superhero movie.

See, there was a point in our dark history where Spider-Man was, indeed, awesome…for a superhero movie. I make the distinction because good superhero movies were few and far between, and as an audience we were bound to make certain allowances. Movies featuring costumed heroes were subject to a slightly different (read: lower) set of standards than most other films. We were in the midst of a decade-plus-long drought. The most recent installment in the Batman franchise had completely undone what Tim Burton had accomplished in 1989. Then along came X-Men, and by Kirby it was damn good for a superhero movie! But one film does not correct a decade of abuse, and while our hopes were high for Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man, we still held it to that somewhat less stringent set of standards reserved for movies about men running around in Spandex. By that measure, we were not disappointed, and it seemed as though the superhero genre in film was at the beginning of a Renaissance.

And what Renaissance it’s been! Hellboy! The Incredibles! X-Men 2! Iron Man! Batman Begins and (to a lesser degree)¹ The Dark Knight! Heck, I’ll even throw Watchmen and The Incredible Hulk in there, though I understand I’m probably in the minority on those. Sure, for every good superhero movie there’s a mediocre (Ghost Rider) or just downright bad one (The Spirit), but there have been enough good ones in the past ten years that the distinction between watching a superhero movie and just watching a movie started to get blurry. Iron Man isn’t just good “for a superhero movie”, it’s a great action/adventure film that just happens to center around a guy who wears a shiny red-and-yellow computerized battlesuit. It’s also got a dash of romantic comedy, a bit of drama, and did I mention the explosions?

Therein lies the problem: Spider-Man was damn good for a superhero movie in 2002, but it kinda sucks as anything else. Sure, it’s decent action/adventure flick,² even with Willem Dafoe’s campy turn as Norman Osborne/The Green Goblin, but everything that goes on when the fists aren’t flying is a bit off the mark. It doesn’t work as a romance because Maguire and Dunst have about as much chemistry on-screen as Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, which is to say almost none. It doesn’t work as a drama for almost the same reason: Tobey Maguire just doesn’t have any real emotional range.³ I had no idea that Sony was going to announce their reboot when I was watching Spider-Man this past weekend, but I do remember wishing for another Peter Parker and Mary Jane.

Dropping Maguire and Dunst most likely means getting rid of Cliff Robertson (Uncle Ben), Rosemary Harris (Aunt May) and J.K. Simmons (Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson) as well, which is unfortunate as I thought they each exemplified the roles. But change is change, and Sony seems to be wielding a pretty big broom, so I expect the cast to be replaced entirely.

Peter Parker’s transformation into Spider-Man has been told and re-told in the comics numerous times, but my favorite by far is the version written by Brian Michael Bendis for the Ultimate Spider-Man series,⁴ and if Sony is wise they’ll take a long, hard look at those early issues when they’re rebooting the movie version of the wallcrawler. And perhaps that’s just what they’re planning; after all, the Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) that appears in Iron Man and will appear in several upcoming Marvel movies was taken directly from the Ultimate Universe, and if that means an opportunity for the new Spider-Man to make an appearance in other Marvel films, well, I’m all for it.⁵

1. Yeah, I said a lesser degree. Wanna fight about it? [↩]
2. Spider-Man 2 does a much better job in that respect, but comes across as a ridiculously overwrought drama when webs and metallic tentacles stop clashing. [↩]
3. Over the course of two—okay, three—Spider-Man films, I’ve come to realize that Tobey Maguire has two—okay, three—facial expressions, and none of them are particularly convincing. [↩]
4. With fantastic art by Mark Bagley. [↩]
5. Hey, Sony, how about a Nicholas Hammond cameo, as long as we’re talking about what I’d like to see in a Spider-Man movie? [↩]

In 2009, an event called The Outbreak occurred and vampires emerged to become the dominant species on the planet. Brother turned brother, parents turned children, and those humans who refused to turn were forced to run or be put into large, sterile rooms where they would be sedated and farmed for their blood.

Daybreakers takes place ten years later. In 2019, the vampire bloodfarms are running out of humans. As a result, strict rationing of blood is put into place. A side effect of the blood deprivation is a devolution into a feral, less than human creature called a subsider. As blood supplies dwindle, the number of subsiders are increasing.

Enter Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke), Chief Hematologist for Bromley Marks. Ed’s goal is to create a blood substitute which, in his mind, will mean that vampires will not longer have to feed on humans to survive.  Charles Bromley (Sam Neill), Ed’s boss, is happy to foster those thoughts of goodwill, as it helps keep Edward on task and on mission.

One night, Edward saves the lives of four on-the-run humans, and later is visited by Lionel ‘Elvis’ Cormac who, it turns out, has somehow been cured of his vampirism. Ed goes on the run with the band of humans, looking for way to cure himself, and later, all of vampirekind. Bromley,  who stands to make a lot of money by marketing a blood substitute to the masses while saving some very expensive pure human blood for his wealthiest customers, stands in complete opposition to the entire concept of a cure, and therein lies our conflict.

I need to admit that I’m pretty burnt out on the vampire genre as a whole. We’ve been at it since Anne Rice resurrected the genre with her Vampire Chronicles, and most attempts and reinventing the vampire myth have been mediocre at best, Twilight at worst. Two things made me want to see this movie. The first was the casting: All three main male roles are actors I love to watch, each is masterful at what they do. The second was that I wanted to see how they handled the vampire cure.  I was pleased with both.

The female lead, sadly is forgettable.  In fact, I cannot even remember the actress’s name as I write this. As I was watching the movie, it seemed like she was cast specifically NOT to compete with Neill, Dafoe, and Hawke for top billing. The reality is that she’s not really much of a love interest. Save for having a generic female in the movie for Ed to latch on to, I didn’t see that she brought that much to the game.

That being said, there were a number of small things that I liked about the film, mostly small touches:

• Practically everyone smokes like a chimney. If you’re immortal, why not? This also goes well with the next point…
• The settings, lighting, and camera work was very film noir.  People dressed like it was the 1940′s, the nationalistic vampire Uncle Sam poster is reminiscent of WWII wartime propaganda posters.  It reminded me a lot of Dark City in that respect. The only thing even remotely futuristic about the movie was the sound the cars made as they drove past…the sound of an electric engine.
• The relationship between Ed and his brother Frankie is nicely done. You feel the tension when they interact, but the subtext of love is also there. It worked for me.

My dislikes are the dislikes I have for a lot of movies these days: too bloody, too much gore without an actual purpose. I can think of one scene which actually warranted the carnage displayed…the rest was simply gratuitous. I could have done without it. This, I suspect, is because I did not think of this as a horror movie walking in.  Oddly, I had it more in the SF/Urban Fantasy genre in my mind after seeing the original trailer.

It’s not a great movie. It’s a good bit of fun for a Sunday afternoon, but I would not go out of your way to see it.

The Breakdown

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 cured vampires

Worth: Renting, or maybe a cheap theater. I paid $6.75 for a ticket, and it was too much.

Most memorable point: When Ed asks Lionel how safe it is to be hiding out where they are, Lionel responds with, “It’s about as safe as barebacking a $5 whore.”

It occurs to me—as I utilize an experimental thought-to-text transcriber to write these show notes, my office cooled to a pleasant 293.2 degrees Kelvin by air that has passed through the center a glacier—that much of what I encounter on a daily basis here at The Secret Lair is made possible by technology that (a) I don’t fully understand, and (b) is not considered “feasible” by much of what passes for the scientific community in this, the first half of the twenty-first century.¹ It also occurs to me that it doesn’t really matter whether the Lair is air-conditioned by an array of turbofans and semi-stable Arctic wormholes or by a frost giant and a wind elemental, locked in an eternal struggle and held captive in one of our subterranean holding chambers by two dozen mages who channel eldritch energies into complex and subtle wards of holding…as long as I’m comfortable.

Finally, it occurs to me that whether we used Skype to call our guest on his iPhone or cast a tethering spell to channel his words into our terrible homunculus is entirely unimportant; what matters is that we were able to speak to Earl Newton despite the many miles between Detroit (where he was) and Cleveland (where he was not, but we were).²

Earl Newton, as it happens, is the creator of the video science-fiction anthology, Stranger Things. I daresay it could be argued that Earl has had ample experience blurring the line between science-fiction and fantasy, and one need only look to most any episode of Stranger Things for evidence.

Promo: The Inner Chapters, Volume 1 by Thomas “cmdln” Gideon, available at Podiobooks.com.

Discussion: You’ve Got Your Fantasy in My Science Fiction.

• “Has Sci-Fi Become Too Infected by Fantasy?” by Graeme McMillan.
• “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
• Is Chris Miller a wizard? He’s certainly cast a spell on me.
• Chris says the Mars trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson is a fine example of good, plausible hard sci-fi.
• Wikipedia says, “Science fiction…differs from fantasy in that, within the context of the story, its imaginary elements are largely possible within scientifically-established or scientifically-postulated laws of nature.” Also: no elves.
• Chris wants to see more sci-fi/fantasy slashfic. Though he doesn’t specifically mention R. Daneel Olivaw and Dolores Umbridge, I think it’s implied.

Staff Reports

• Chief Medical Officer’s Progress Report No. 3. In which the Bad Doctor (who exudes a flavor of smugness that can only be derived from hindsight) doesn’t appreciate our efforts to bring some damn culture to the primate-equine hybrid habitat. To Cmar’s credit, there are actual facts in his report. For more information on primate banana bartering, you should read this article.
• Ken Newquist reviews The Day After Ragnarok, a Savage Worlds RPG setting from Kenneth Hite and Atomic Overmind Press.

And Another Thing…

• What the hell is Avatar all about?
• We’ll be discussing The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger soon. Possibly even in the next episode.
• Kris is reading The Stepsister Scheme by Jim C. Hines.
• Chris is reading Singularity Sky by Charles Stross.
• The “one with the cleavage on the front” is Saturn’s Children, also by Charles Stross.

Lair Keeping

• Our theme music is “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton.
• Our Secretary of Artistic Propaganda is Natalie Metzger.
• Our Minister of Crackpot Schemes and Unfortunate Synergies is Jay “The Kingfish” Lynn.
• Our Chief Medical Officer is Dr. John Cmar.
• Our Airborne Legions are led by Commandante David Moore.
• Our Minister of Suspicious Substitutions and Unreasonable Facimiles often operates under the pseudonym The Cynical Optimist.
• Our Minister of Secrets and Subterfuge is classified.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 45:51 — 42.0MB)

1. Or what we will eventually come to call “the top of the twenty-first”. [↩]
2. For the record, it was Skype and an iPhone, but we do have a terrible homunculus that bears an uncanny resemblance to Earl. [↩]

In a planning meeting for our demisemicentepisode one of the minions suggested that we ”pull out all the stops”, at which point Dr. Pindar, our Director of Etymological Accuracy and General Nitpicking, pointed out that The Secret Lair does not have a pipe organ installed. This, quite naturally, led to several hours of rational discourse on whether, given the lack of pipe organs, we ought to leave some of the stops in or simply not bother with the stops at all. The discussion concluded, as is often the case, with a face-stabbing. Further planning meetings were deemed unnecessary.

Our special guest is Jay “The Kingfish” Lynn from the Metamediocrity audio comic book. Speaking of special and mediocre, our special sauce is Thousand Island Dressing blended with mayonnaise. Jay joins us at the International House of Johnson for a discussion about superheroes and approximately three inches of latex.

Promo: Quarter Share by Nathan Lowell.

Chief Medical Officer’s Progress Report #1. In which the Bad Doctor is extremely disappointed with what passes for a pandemic these days.

Discussion: What is a superhero?

• Are transforming robots from the planet Cybertron superheroes?
• What about androids built right here on Earth?
• Does a superhero have to possess meta-human abilities?
• Can you break Overlord Miller’s brain by suggesting that Batman isn’t actually a superhero?
• Are figures of legend and myth (e.g., King Arthur, Hercules) superheroes?

Musical Interlude: “White Wedding” by The Harvey Girls.

Welcome to the Ministry of Crackpot Schemes and Unfortunate Synergies

• Jay applies the Polly Pocket Principle to superheroes to create the next must-have “action figure” for young boys.
• But would it work?

On the other side of the coin…

• Let’s talk about anti-heroes (or anti-superheroes).
• Are Saw and Jason Vorhees superheroes after a fashion? Are they heroes at all?
• What do horror movies, Grimm’s Faerie Tales and urban legends have to do with superheroes, if anything?
• Are we really just talking about various forms of morality tales?
• You know, I think it’s entirely possible that we’ve begun to digress, just a little. That never happens!

The Secret Library: There’s a rumor going ’round that the Overlords will be discussing Christopher Moore’s Lamb on an upcoming (perhaps even the next) episode, so the MoCSaUS (boy, that’s awfully close to “mucous”, isn’t it?) has suggested that our next book be The Time Traveller’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.

Lairkeeping

• Our theme song is still “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton, because it’s podsafe and has the words “secret lair” in it. Come on, you knew that, right? Speaking of podsafe, did you know that Overlord Miller’s podsafeword is “Terra”?
• Join our forums and stir up some trouble. Go ahead; I triple-dog dare you.
• Phenylketonurics rejoice! Our contact form contains no phenylalanine.
• If you prefer e-mail, you may leave feedback. At The Secret Lair. Dot com.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 51:15 — 46.9MB)

Whether we’re discussing the film adaptation of the comic book mini-series, Watchmen, or the series finale of Ronald Moore’s Battlestar Galactica, never has the phrase “Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair” been more appropriate for more reasons. That’s right, it’s time for Episode 0021 of The Secret Lair, so let’s get down to business.

First up, our thanks to:

• Jack Jaffee: 12V Theatre. Is anyone else getting a sense of déjà vu here?
• Josh, who likes our longer shows. Hey, why does this sound so familiar?
• Chris Fisher: The Adult Space Child Free Podcast, which we’ve never mentioned on the show before. Finally, something new!

Join our forums. Why? Because we said so.

Promo: Nuketown Radio Active.

Sidebar (12:19 – 17:40): Battlestar Galactica series finale. Kris hasn’t watched the series since the middle of season three, but Chris is made of sterner stuff and watched until the end. The bitter, bitter end. Spoiler Alert! The series finale spoils the entire series!

Further Reading related to the BSG finale:

• Chris’ thoughts are further documented at his blog.
• Mur Lafferty
•  The Sci-Fi Geek
• A whole pile of folks from Tor.com offer this round table.

Discussion (17:40 – 40:45): Watchmen

• Spoiler Alert: We spoil the hell out of this twenty-three-year-old comic book and several-week-old movie. 
• Based on a twelve-issue comic book mini-series originally published in 1986.¹
• The comic was written by Alan Moore,²  illustrated by Dave Gibbons and distributed by DC. If you’ve not read it, we recommend you do. In fact, go do it now; the podcast (and these show notes) will be waiting for you when you return.
• Moore based many of the characters on those appearing in Charlton Comics.
• The movie adaptation was directed by Zack Snyder (300), not to be confused with John Schneider, who portrayed Bo Duke in the classic television series, The Dukes of Hazzard. These are two completely different men. This cannot be emphasized enough.
• Rorschach was portrayed by Jackie Earle Haley. You may know him from The Bad News Bears. We are totally not kidding.
• The Comedian was portrayed by Jeffrey Dean Morgan who may or may not have been on the receiving end of a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. We’re leaning toward the latter (may not) as he still has a face.
• Silk Spectre II was portrayed by Malin Åkerman, who may or may not have been one of the only people not completely stoned out of their minds in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.
• Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan: priceless.

Promo: Personal Effects: Dark Art by J.C. Hutchins and Jordan Weisman. Commit yourself to The Brink.

Discussion (42:55 – end): Movie Adaptations

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.
—John le Carré

• Ridley Scott vs. Philip K. Dick (Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?)
• Alfonso Cuarón vs. J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
• Sam Raimi vs. Stan Lee vs. Brian Michael Bendis (Spider-Man/Ultimate Spider-Man)
• Stephen King vs. New Line Cinema (The Lawnmower Man)
• Isaac Asimov vs. Will Smith (I, Robot)
• Could Blazing Saddles be remade today?

Lairkeeping

• Follow us on Twitter: Chris, Kris and The Secret Lair.
• Leave us feedback in the comments on this blog entry or send e-mail to feedback at The Secret Lair. Dot com.
• Join our forums. Yes, that’s two links in the same post. Wanna fight about it? Take it to the forums!
• Our theme music is Jonathan Coulton by “Skullcrusher Mountain”. No, wait. Strike that; reverse it.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (40.4MB)

1. Expressed in Roman numerals as MCMLXXXVI, which is commonly pronounced “mikkumluksvee”. 1985, the year in which the story takes place, is expressed in Roman numerals as MCMLXXXV and commonly pronounced “mikkumluksiv”. We have no idea who actually pronounces Roman numerals this way. [↩]
2. Absolutely no relation to David Moore that we are willing to admit. [↩]

Has it really been two decades since we started doing these shows? No. Not even close. We do release more than one episode a year, you know. Well, usually. Have we aged twenty years since we began doing these shows? Yes, we have, but that’s just due to an unfortunate incident with the Temporal Accelerator and we’re hoping to have that all straightened out before we start drawing Social Security or early next week, whichever comes first.

At any rate, here is Episode 20 of The Secret Lair. These are the show notes. Think of them as a handy companion to the audio experience; sort of a Director’s Cut or perhaps the liner notes of the show. Liner notes? Well, way back in the Dark Ages, when music was more than just a fancy collection of ones and zeroes…you know what? Forget it. Don’t they teach you kids anything in school these days?

Promo: Personal Effects: Dark Art by J.C. Hutchins. Yeah. That guy.

Review: Silent Running (1972). Yes, we’re talking about science-fiction films that are more than thirty-five years old. Why? Because nothing made since has been worth watching. Now get off our lawn and take your rock and roll music with you.

Here are a few things you may not have known about Silent Running. We knew, of course. We’re in the business of knowing such things.

• Joseph Campanella portrays Captain Neal. He is never seen on-screen. Who’s Joseph Campanella? Hey, I’m not going to do all the work for you here; how about you go out and get some damn culture?
• Peter Shickele (AKA PDQ Bach) conducted the music. The Blue Man Group is a bunch of makeup-wearing punks next to this guy.

Promo: The Zombie Chronicles by James Melzer, available at Podiobooks.com. Because Chris really wanted the word “schlong” to appear in this episode.

Discussion: Wherein we discuss every relevant aspect of digital distribution of media over the Internets. Yes, every single relevant aspect. After listening to this discussion, you will know everything you will ever need to know about distributing pretty pictures and sound over the Internet. As a bonus feature, we opine upon the past, present and future of digital distribution versus physical media. Want to know what you should think about all of this? Fear not: we will tell you what to think.

Lairkeeping

• Our theme music is still “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton; at least until he returns from the Triassic Era to stop us from using it.
• Feel free to leave feedback in the comments section of this blog post or via our handy contact form. Will we warp and twist your words to our own ends? Almost certainly.

Wallpaper!

Enjoy these desktop wallpaper images, courtesy of our Secretary of Artistic Propaganda, Natalie Metzger.

Flesh Eating Mutant Hamster (Full Screen)

Flesh Eating Mutant Hamster (Wide Screen)

The Secret Lair - Overlords (Full Screen)

The Secret Lair - Overlords (Wide Screen)

The Secret Lair - Banner (Full Screen)

The Secret Lair - Banner (Wide Screen)

The Secret Lair (Full Screen)

The Secret Lair (Wide Screen)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (24.0MB)

Apparently the microphones were on while we were discussing some of the books, movies and television shows we’ve been—if not exactly enjoying then at the very least consuming. Listen in to hear us discuss:

Books

• The Chronicles of Master Li and Number Ten Ox by Barry Hughart
• Star Wars: Death Star by Michael Reaves and Steve Perry
• The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch
• Small Favor (The Dresden Files, Book 10) by Jim Butcher
• Rock, Paper, Scissors: Game Theory in Everyday Life by Len Fisher
• The Next Fix by Matt Wallace
• Anathem by Neal Stephenson

Podcast Novels

• Contagious and The Rookie by Scott Sigler
• The Failed Cities Monologues by Matt Wallace

Movies

• The Immortal Voyage of Captain Drake, starring Adrian Paul and Temuera Morrison
• Grendel, starring Ben Cross and Marina Sirtis
• Infestation, starring Ray Wise
• Max Payne, starring Mark Wahlburg and Mila Kunis
• The X-Files: I Want To Believe, starring David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson and Billy Connelly
• Supergirl, starring Helen Slater and Faye Dunaway

Television

• The West Wing
• Knight Rider (1982)
• House
• Battlestar Galactica
• Heroes
• Batman: The Brave and The Bold

Lairkeeping

• Our theme song is “Skullcrusher Mountain”, by Jonathan Coulton, who may or may not live there.
• Leave us feedback, if you dare.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 44:01 — 40.3MB)