The Secret Lair

Due to an unfortunate accident, The Secret Lair’s official stenographer was eaten by a crocodile last week.¹ While our search for a replacement continues, it has fallen to me to provide show notes for The Secret Lair Episode 0009.² Unfortunately, I’m a very busy overlord lately and rather than delay release of the episode and further,³ I’m going to post the scraps⁴ I’ve got now and fill in the rest once I get an hour or so to myself.

April Fool’s Day

• Economic Stimulation Package. Did American Public Radio’s Marketplace play an April Fool’s Day joke on Chris?
• YouTube rickrolled everyone.
• So did Mahalo Daily.
• The Electronic Frontier Foundation is moving their headquarters.
• Twatr is an interesting new Twitter-clone…for your genitals.

WordPress 2.5

• …has a new administrator interface. Chris isn’t a fan.
• …has a new image/media management system…which doesn’t seem to work on The Secret Lair.
• …has a redesigned Write Post screen. We don’t much care for it.
• Kris has more to say about WordPress 2.5 on his blog.

Unquiet Desperation

• Unquiet Desperation is an online poetry ‘zine.
• It is also Chris’ blog and podcast.
• Awkward!

Minion Recruiting Board

• Thanks to P.G. Holyfield and Scott Sigler, we have a number of job openings at the Lair.
• Fill out our super-secret minion application form, if you can find it.

The Secret Library

• Our current novel is The Sky People by S.M. Stirling.
• Our current graphic novel is Shooting War by Anthony Lappé and Dan Goldman .
• NEW! At the request of our minions, we have decided to add a podiobook section to The Secret Library. Our first selection is The Pocket and the Pendant by Mark Jeffrey. Subscribe at Podiobooks.com.

RPGs

• The Dresden Files RPG bleeding edge beta continues.
• Gunnar scored some WarHammer RPG 2nd Edition sourcebooks and Half-Price Books recently.

Movies and Television

• Kris saw Spider-Man 3 and wishes he hadn’t.
• Chris says it was worse than Batman and Robin.
• Check out How It Should Have Ended. (YouTube)
• The Spectacular Spider-Man is on the Kids’ WB and is far more entertaining.

Housekeeping

• We have a feedback address, where you may send us feedback. At The Secret Lair. Dot Com.
• There’s also a contact form, which no one has used yet. Will you be the first?
• It is entirely possible to join our official community, should you be so inclined.
• Our theme music is “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Intertroubadour extraordinaire, Jonathan Coulton.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 44:03 — 40.3MB)

1. Let’s not be concerned with who may or may not have forgotten to engage the magnetic couplers in the holding environment. Pointing fingers isn’t going to get us a new stenographer and playing The Blame Game isn’t helping morale. [↩]
2. Writing the show notes is not punishment. As co-overlord, I’m above punishment, even if you could prove conclusively that it was me. Which you can’t. [↩]
3. What’s that? Maybe I should have delayed release of the crocodile? Oh, great. That’s very mature. How about this: maybe you should think twice before you go hiring your relatives, okay? People get eaten, gassed, disintegrated, mutated and shunted to other dimensions around here all the time, but when it’s your cousin it’s suddenly a big deal. [↩]
4. Shut up. Just shut up! [↩]

Being one of the evil masterminds who founded The Secret Lair has its perks: the private parking space is nice,¹ as are the discounts at local retailers,² but the pièce de résistance has to be the right-hand³ man.

Every evil mastermind worth his (or her) salt has a loyal underling who is elevated above the common minions, lickspittles and pursuivants. This isn’t limited to evil masterminds, either; the basic relationship transcends good and evil. For every President who has a Vice President you’ve got a starship captain and his “Number Two”. For every corrupt emperor and his Dark Lord enforcer there’s a bearded man and his frog puppet. In (almost) every case, the loyal underling is trusted above all others, has his own uniform to make him stand out from the dime-a-dozen flunkies,⁴ and carries an air of respect, menace, or bug-eyed lunacy.

Now that The Secret Lair is up and running (mostly), tradition demands that I find my own right-hand man/cyborg/hot redheaded female assassin in a skintight leather jumpsuit. Finding the proper person to fill the role will not be an easy task, and I do not undertake the endeavor lightly. Though my preference for cyborgs is well-documented, it would be foolish of me to limit myself to only candidates who are a seamless hybrid of flesh and nigh-indestructible molybdenum alloy. While a cyborg would certainly increase my street cred, there are other factors to consider: loyalty, efficiency, ruthlessness, warranty, to name just a few. It hardly makes sense to have an unquestioning, brutal man-machine at my side if he’s going to be susceptible to both organic and cybernetic viruses. On the other hand, a purely human assistant⁵ will be subject to the fickle whims of his or her heart, and could be made to betray me out of love.⁶

Then there’s the matter of personality fit. Yes, I’ve got devices at my disposal that are entirely capable of turning the human mind into so much malleable putty, but it would save me a ton of hassle if I could find someone that I just work well with right out of the gate. Why doesn’t eHarmony offer a master/minion matchup service? I could easily define twenty-nine compatibility dimensions necessary to make that relationship work.

As I am not the only evil mastermind in The Secret Lair, it is essential that my right-hand man also get along well with Chris and his Number Two—I believe the management phrase is “team fit”. But not too well; the last thing we need is our respective seconds joining forces to overthrow us; we’re looking for begrudging respect and a willingness to work together, not enduring friendship that blossoms into co-conspiracy and an inevitable power grab.

Other requirements include a willingness to relocate,⁷ the ability to command low-level minions through fear and intimidation (people skills are important), and a fairly flexible moral code.

Oh, and I don’t want anyone taller than me.  

1. Unlike traditional reserved parking spaces at office buildings and apartment complexes, my space at The Secret Lair is absolutely and instantaneously reserved. I almost feel sorry for anyone foolish enough to ignore the “Reserved” sign posted near my parking space…almost. Seeing the look of surprise on their face when the titanium barriers drop into place around their car (the last one was a Ford Fusion) turn to shock and horror when the hydraulic ram begins its inexorable advance…well, it’s priceless. [↩]
2. Not valid with any other offer? Ha! I laugh at your restrictions! I get an evil mastermind discount plus a Triple-A discount in most cases. Not to mention frequent flier miles and cash back. [↩]
3. Left-hand, in Chris’ case. [↩]
4. Or “cabinet members”, if you must. [↩]
5. Oh, that’s such a mundane term; surely we can do better. [↩]
6. BFF, my ass. [↩]
7. Perhaps on a moment’s notice. To the Moon. Someone with a lot of family ties wouldn’t be an ideal fit for the position, which gets into some very dodgy legal territory with respect to equal-opportunity hiring laws. [↩]