The Secret Lair

CC BY-NC-SA image from Brandon Koger via Flickr

Anyone who is familiar with the goings-on here at the Lair knows that I tend to work with Minister Lynn on his Crackpot Schemes and Unfortunate Synergies. And by “work with”, I mean “clean up the worst of the mess after the fact, and hopefully limit the loss of life and equipment”. To wit, we recently had the following conversation:

Minister Lynn: “It strikes me that our audio podcast is better than most things that air on the radio. It’s funny. Educational. Informative.”

Bad Doctor: “Agreed. We do some seriously good work there, and I know it improves the lives of anyone who listens to it. I mean, just look at the minions! We pipe the podcast feed into their private chambers on a continuous loop, and it clearly enriches their existence. Each new episode increases their work efficiency by over 79% compared to control subjects who are forced to listen only to a constant track of ‘A Man and His Unicorn’.”

ML: “This is something that needs to be better recognized by the world at large. If only there was a way to pipe audio from The Lair out to the global populus…”

Lynn sucks thoughtfully on the tail of the reptosquirrel he has tucked under his arm.

BD: “Did… you just lick that reptosquirrel?”

Lynn stares into the distance for a moment, glassy-eyed.

ML: “Yes. Yes, I did. It helps center me.”

BD: “That explains quite a bit. And not just why the reptosquirrels in The Menagerie have been avoiding all human contact of late.”

Lynn gives the tail a final slurp.

ML: “What? I mean, right, so I have already have been putting hundreds of hours into a virus that will let us infect our podcast episodes on to every portable MP3 player in existence. It works by piggybacking on both Windows Updates and Google Ads. I’m still fighting with a few firewall issues, however…”

BD: “Or, we could just stick with iTunes, like we have been for years-”

ML: “…so I’ve decided to take another, more ambitious track. Now, I know you enjoy doing medical outreach on Doctoring, both Good and Bad.”

Doctor nods, sagely.

ML: “I’ve repurposed some of our orbital satellites that make up the communications and defense grid, and will use them to transmit audio of your pontifications to all the peoples of the world into their most private of settings, where they least expect it – into their homes, cars, and even their personal computers! It will be a grand task, and require much labor and upkeep, but in the end it will spread your sonic emanations far and wide! It will be glorious!”

BD: “Or, I could just infiltrate an established radio station as a regular guest.”

ML: “Oh, come now, doc. That’s just crazy.”

Lynn takes a slow, long lick on the reptosquirrel.

BD: “Stop that.”

ML: “I really should. It’s hypnoslime is about depleted anyway. Can you get me another from The Menagerie?”

BD: “How about this – you hand me that poor traumatized reptosquirrel, and I’ll give you this bottle of Purell.”

ML: “Oh, that’s even better!”

Lynn squirts several shots of Purell into his greedy mouth.

BD: “NO! THAT’S NOT what I… meant.. Actually, go town with that. It might be for the best.”

And so it came to pass¹ that yours truly, The Bad Doctor, is now the new monthly health guest on the Midday with Dan Rodricks show on 88.1 WYPR radio in Baltimore. My first stint will be today at 1pm EST, where I will be chatting with Dan about the Human Papilloma Virus and the vaccine that prevents the strains of it that are responsible for cervical (and other) cancer. There has been plenty of manufactured controversy in the media about the HPV vaccine, especially with the recent recommendation that it be given to young men as well as young women, so I expect there to be a lively discussion.

You can listen to the audio stream online at the appointed time here, or download the show after the fact here. Additionally, you can follow Dan on Twitter @DanRodricks, WYPR @WYPR881FM, and the Midday show @MiddayWYPR.

To quote a former Lair military advisor, I love it when a plan comes together.

1. Clearly, this is an accurate representation of events. [↩]

Last installment, we worked on the barrel of the pistols. You may have gotten impatient, painting the barrel already. That is OK, it shows initiative, make sure you are able to give the rest of the raygun similar attention.

The grip of the gun is next. This is where we really get to destroy things and rebuild them better than they were before.

Take the Nerf Maverick pistol that we’re going to use as the grip of the raygun, and your favorite dremel tool or hacksaw. The hacksaw was my favorite for this, since it didn’t melt the plastic and gave me nice clean cuts. The cuts should be made Just forward of the main body of the pistol, and just behind the cylinder. If you are patient, you might want to cut all of the rest flush.

You might want to save the other bits for later projects of your own. Now you can take the rest of the pistol apart. I didn’t use the slide on the back of the pistol, so we can put it and the springs it has off to the side.

You should have something that looks kind of like this.

Now take apart the two halves of the but of the gun. I took out all but the trigger springs out of this one so the trigger will still appear to work.

The real reason however is the electronics that need to go in here.

Inside the gun there is an LED that will light up a piece of plexiglass, and some more wires that will connect to lights on the outside of the pistol.

Also, as you can see in the opened up image of the pistol, there is one of our plumbing connectors. You will need to cut a hole, I used a Dremel and a knife, that will allow the threaded portion of the connector to sit inside the grip of the pistol.

This will allow us to attach our conduit to the pistol, which both appears and actually gives power to the gun. Unfortunately, I don’t have an image of the hole as it is cut, but you can see the result in the images of the connected conduit.

We won’t attach it now, but to show you where we are going here is an image of the grip and barrel mated together.

If I were to make this again, I would mold a mating ring that would more seamlessly attach the barrel and grip. As it is, it looks decent enough.

Next time, we’ll start wiring together the electronics and attaching the gewgaws that will make your ray gun look more interesting and distinctive.

WARNING: Slightly Steampunk

So last time, in Building a Raygun, we assembled some components to build our raygun. This week, we’ll assemble the barrel of the pistol.

So from our parts list of last week, you’ll need the following.

• 1 – Handheld, battery powered, plasma globe
• 1 – set of cheap plastic venetian blinds
• Loctite No Mess Adhesive
• Masking tape or painter’s tape
• 1 – hole punch – 1/8″ or 1/4″ size, depending on how big you like your rivets

The plasma globe is the core of our barrel for this build. It’s handhold is a great shape for the barrel of our brass or iron (your choice) raygun.

It’s lines are too sleek and machined to make a really good steampunk or dieselpunk weapon however. We need to break those up, and add some gew gaws to make it more interesting.

So here is what it looks like out of the box. I bought two of these, since it was only going to be a little more effort to make a pair than to just make one.

Once you have the plasma ball unpacked, now it’s time to get out the venetian blinds. I had a broken set laying around that I kept for the plastic, but they were $5.00 originally, so not a big cost there.

The plastic in the blinds is supple and fairly thin, which makes it great for modeling and other uses such as this. The curve of it however, doesn’t always work for us. For this use though, it’s perfect.

So, cut a strip of blind so that you have multiple strips that are just about the length of the handgrip. Using scissors is going to be easier than a knife, because of the curved shape. Round the edges slightly, so they look rougher, more hand shaped and machined. You’ll need a fair amount of these, so you will need at least two slats from the blinds.

At this point, dry fit them around the handle, see how things line up. If your globe is like mine, the power switch is on the side of the handle. You will want to use a knife or hole punch to make a hole for the switch. I also used this piece as the first glued piece.

After your dry fit, it’s time for the No Mess Adhesive. I won’t tell you how to apply glue, hopefully you can do that. If not, then you’ll need to report to Minion Reclamation for… training.

Glue the power switch plate on first, making sure not to get glue into the switch. Then with a slight overlap, lay down the next one. When I did this, I put on about three at a time before I needed to stop and secure them. I used velcro bands to do this, but you can also use tape.

Allow these to dry for a while. I waited overnight, since I wasn’t in a hurry. If you are currently under alien or robot attack, you can go faster. If it’s zombies, then you have the time to wait and do it right. After you are done it should look something like this image.

Gew Gaws and Rivets

So it looks pretty cool now, but it’s missing something. Bits and bobs! Gew gaws! Rivets! Now is the time to rummage through junk drawers, bits boxes, and even old pens from your desk.

Get all sorts of bits that you can find, and while you think about them start punching out rivets. To do this, I had a 1/8″ hole punch and took the same plastic slats from earlier, and punched out circles. A lot of them. Once that was done, I started gluing them on places where it looked natural where the rivets would go.

At this time, you can also check how well the plates were glued down. If there are gaps like mine had, you can use a toothpick to apply some more adhesive and secure it again until dry.

If you look at the end of the globe closely, you can see that there is something sticking 0ut of the end that wasn’t there before. That’s actually a pen cap, but you should call it an Ionic Concentrator. It just sounds better when you explain it.

Feel free to add fins, veins, piping, whatever looks cool to you, to add to the barrel. Save some of those bits that don’t seem to fit, since you will be doing similar things to the main body of the gun.

When you add things to the barrel end of the gun though, take care you don’t glue or weld the battery door shut. You’ll always want to make sure you have fresh batteries with which to fire.

Now as tempting as it is to start painting, wait. Ok, don’t, I didn’t. Make sure you have the ball itself well taped so paint doesn’t get on it, and start with a coat of black primer.

Once that’s done and dry, you can pick your color(s) and go for it. One thing to keep in mind. You will want the rest of the pistol to look like part of the same gun, so make sure you have enough of the same paint, and that you paint all the parts in a similar fashion.

If you don’t think you can do this, then wait until closer to the end before painting. Though you can still do the black primer now, since you’ll need it anyway.

I’m not going to show you my paint job yet, since that would ruin some of the surprise of the later parts. For now, you have enough to do for a week. So get to it!

If you’ve followed along, I want comments and pictures.

Next week, the main body of the raygun. So get out that hacksaw or Dremel multitool.

WARNING: Slightly Steampunk

For those minions unable to attend the training session due to being stationed outside of the Lair on assignment, this assembly manual will allow you to assemble your own sidearm as the minions in the Lair now possess.

The instructions are fairly lengthy, so this series will be spread out over several postings. Feel free to ask any questions in the comments sections. These questions will not go against your record… not at all.

For those more adept or ambitious minions, you are free to modify the instructions to customize your own raygun. However, it must meet the minimum Lair standards outlined in the minion handbook, section 17.7.

The parts list:

1 – Nerf Maverick pistol

1 – Handheld, battery powered, plasma globe

1 – set of cheap plastic venetian blinds

Loctite No Mess Adhesive

Epoxy for bonding plastic

Masking tape or painter’s tape

Scrap plexiglass

Color changing LEDs

Wire – since we had extra, the reference rayguns used cat5e, but any wire that will carry battery power will suffice.

Various tools for cutting and dealing with screws

1 – hole punch – 1/8″ or 1/4″ size, depending on how big you like your rivets

2 -Water line couplings

1 – Braided steel water line – 48″ was the length we used

1 – cool, power pack, looking device to clip on the belt

Various bits and bobs for added intimidation

Examples of the materials used are here:

Next week, we will start to assemble the barrel of the pistol.

Overlord Chris  Miller, Commandant David Moore, and Dr. John Cmar will be attendting Balticon 45 this coming weekend. When not distributing the spiffy buttons (designed by Natalie Metzger (our Secretary of Artistic Propaganda) or chapbooks (created by Natalie and David), they will be wandering about the convention looking suspicious.

Dr. Cmar will be speaking on the following topics at the following times¹:

• Alien Sex: What Could Go Wrong? – 5/27/11 9:00 PM – No matter what kind of life we find out there, you know someone is going to want to #$%* it. What could go wrong?
• Extending Human Lifespan – 5/28/11 10:00 AM – Panelists discuss scientific advances in expanding human lifespan as well as the ramifications of humans living longer lives.
• Unlikely Disasters to Plan For – 5/28/11 10:00 PM – So much attention is paid to how one might survive the zombie apocalypse or robot uprising. But aren’t there a whole lot of other things we should be planning for? How about mole men? Insect sentience? Or grey goo? Join our panel of possible-apocalypses scholars enumerate the conceivable threats. We might even have time to figure out how to survive one or two! Audience participation encouraged!
• The TRUTH About Adult Content - 5/29/11 3:00 PM – We’ve all seen the signs. “Warning: Adult Content.” “Not Safe For Work.” “Men’s Restroom.” But how many of us know the TRUTH behind these slightly ajar doors of forbidden knowledge? What, if anything, is contained inside an adult? How sexy is danger in the workplace? Does anyone really rest in those rooms? These answers and more will plunged, examined and ultimately ignored as Doctor John Cmar (a real doctor!), Professor Jared Axelrod (not a real professor!) and Commodore Christiana Ellis (up for debate!) bring you the TRUTH about Adult Content.*
• Medical Studies for the Non-medically Trained – 5/29/11 8:00 PM – Looking at the many pitfalls that go into medical research, why doctors can get it wrong, and why most media gets it worse.
• Zombie Survival Plan: Have You Got Yours? – 5/30/11 12:00 PM – “They” are coming. Regardless of when the outbreak occurs, “They” will swiftly take over the planet and destroy civilization as we know it. As any movie or video gaming buff knows, “They” are the zombies, and they want to eat your brains. Will you be prepared when the apocalypse happens? Bring your plan so you can compare it with those of the master zombie survivalists on our panel.

Overlord Miller will be on the following panel:

• Into the Blender Live: Take My Geek Card (I Dare You!) – 5/29/11 9:00 PM – This time Chooch and Viv (hosts of the Into the Blender podcast) take on a touchy subject: There are countless arenas of geek affection, but some seem near universal: movies, television, and books. Whether it be Star Wars or Firefly; Lord of the Rings, or Buffy; Gaiman or Pratchet – there are things you are SUPPOSED to love as a geek. Well, we don’t love them all and I bet you don’t either! Come compare your likes and dislikes with an assorted panel of lovers and haters of every genre.

If you are at Balticon, stop us, say hello, and submit to our will.

1. Dr. Cmar says, “If you want to catch the one thing that I’m most enthusiastic for, then please stop by my solo talk Sunday evening on Medical Studies for the Non-medically Trained. It will be far more interesting than the title might lead you to believe, and I expect that RANTING~! will occur. As to the others, I… really don’t know what to make of the alien sex panel, but it should, at least, be entertaining. As to The TRUTH About Adult Content, well, all I will say is that it is the sequel to the Truth About The Universe panel from last year.” [↩]

• Your IRC quote of the week involves Patrick Stewart.  How can you lose?
• The Internet is Made of Cats — ’nuff said
• This is one way game geeks can take over the world.
• Wednesday was National Chocolate Cake Day. How did you celebrate? (The cake was a lie…I missed it completely.)
• War will never be the same.

And, of course, the iPad. For this, we go to video…

Each week, Overlord Johnson and I take a little time out of our day to review the surveillance footage of our minions. Here’s what we’ve found interesting this week:

• Dr. Cmar’s political movement, the Gustatory Libation Front, explored the wonders of the upcoming releases from Dogfish Head Brewery.
• Jay Lynn is attempting undermine Ollivander’s and has taken to making wands.
• Sam Chupp is particularly excited about two new fantasy audiobooks being released on Podiobooks.com.
• Thomas Gideon, of the species hackus superior, released a number of excellent articles, but the two we enjoyed the most were World Fair Use Day and his excellent Inner Chapter on Accomplishment.
• Natalie Metzger reveals her squid tree Christmas card, which is, as usual, made of 24-carat WIN.

The Secret Lair would like to thank Jennifer Toews for her donation toward our mobile recording rig.

Thanks to her donation of $20, she’s now one of our Official Henchmen. That means that, when we go on a recon mission (or field trip), we’ll be sending her a little souvenir from the trip.

Thanks, Jennifer!