The Secret Lair

1. Treiman’s Theorem: Impossible things don’t usually happen.
2. O’Reilly’s law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
3. Lieberman’s law: Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
4. Denniston’s law: Virtue is its own punishment.
5. Gold’s law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
6. Conway’s law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
7. Finster’s law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. Lynch’s law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
9. Muir’s law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
10. Glyme’s formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
11. Mason’s first law of synergism: The one day you’d sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
12. Hanlon’s razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
13. Handy guide to modern science: If it’s green or wriggles, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
14. Green’s law of debate: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.
15. Stewart’s law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
16. First rule of history: History doesn’t repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
17. Oliver’s law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
18. Harrison’s postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19. Lerman’s Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
    Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
20. Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
21. Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
    Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
22. Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
23. The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no positive effect on your take-home pay.
24. Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
25. First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.
26. Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
27. Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
28. Kenny’s Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
29. Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person’s name, you will pick the wrong one.
    Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
30. The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
31. Yeager’s Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
    Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber’s day off.
32. Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
33. Quile’s Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
34. Loftus’ Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
35. Lovka’s Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
36. Hellrung’s Law: If you wait, it will go away.
    Shevelson’s Extension: … having done its damage.
    Grelb’s Addition: … if it was bad, it will be back
37. Coles’S Law: Thinly sliced cabbage

(liberated from http://wilk4.com/. ‘Cause we just had to share.)

In the last episode, Jimmy Keenan, importer and smuggler, was paid a visit by a mysterious new lawyer. The man informed Keenan that he would be handling his defense and that they had a lot to talk about. And now, the latest chapter of Doc Azrael, Angel of Death.

Officer Ronald Corley awoke to the sound of someone rapping on his car window. “Ronnie? Ronnie, are you awake?” He could just barely hear his wife’s voice through the glass.

Groggily, he looked around. His car was sitting outside of his house. Corley nodded slowly to his wife, Doris, and opened the door of his vehicle.  “Ronnie, what happened? You were late and then I heard  your horn and found you… here.”

Ronald rose unsteadily. “I’m sorry I’m late. I was investigating… I had to work late.” He looked up and down the dark street. “Can we talk about this inside?”

The young woman nodded and helped him into the house.

As his wife made him a pot of coffee, she asked, “Was this about the vigilante again?”

“Yes.” He sighed heavily and related the story. “After the taxi dropped off Sergeant Parr, I followed the cab out of the district. I had hoped it would lead me to Doc Azrael. It turns out I was right.”

Doris let out an unintended gasp.

“I followed the cab into an alley, but it disappeared. When I turned to back out, there was a figure, all dressed in black, blocking my path. He approached the car, and the engine died. Without thinking, I turned the key again and again. All I wanted to do was get out of there.”

“When he reached the driver’s side door, he spoke. The window was rolled up, but I could hear his voice as if he were in the passenger seat, next to me.”

“’Are you so eager to have your name added to my book, Officer Ronald Corley?’”

“His voice seemed to echo, only it wasn’t really an echo, it was like a dozen voices all speaking at once, all saying the same thing, only a little out of sync. All I could do was shake my head.”

“’Then why do you seek me so persistently?’”

“It’s hard to remember the details. I couldn’t make out his face, it was like the glass had gone all funny – like in a mirror house at the carnival. And there was this smell, I remember trying to figure out where it was coming from.”

“’Meddle not in the affairs of angels, Officer Corley, lest angels meddle with you.”

Ronald shook his head. “Everything went dark then. The next thing I remember I was here.” He sat up with a start. “He must have driven my car home. Maybe he left a clue!” The young police officer tried to stand.

Doris grabbed his arm. “Please don’t, Ronnie. I don’t know who or what this vigilante is, but he gave you a chance to stay out of this. Please take it.”

Corley looked into her face. “But it’s my job.” He sighed. “I guess you’re right. I don’t have any evidence that he’s actually hurting people.”

“And he seems to be helping you clean up the neighborhood. Just let it be.”

Ronald nodded. “I’m going to go try a get some sleep. You coming?”

“In just a minute. Let me clean this up.”

Corley shrugged and left the kitchen. His wife watched him leave. Doris then pulled the business card she had removed from his windshield out of her pocket. On it was a single eye superimposed on a pair of black wings – the calling card of Doc Azrael.

First appeared in audio form on Flash Cast 56 ( http://flashpulp.com ).

One of the games I discovered this year at PAX is Robo Rally, which I’ve heard about for many years but have never played. In Robo Rally, up to eight players control different robots which drive around an arena full of conveyor belts, spinners, lasers, pushers, and deadly pits. The robots shove each other, fire lasers at each other, and each tries to run a course along the proscribed route to win the game. In some ways, it feels like playing Steve Jackson’s Car Wars, only far less complex.

But the real genius is in the gameplay: you’ve got to “program” your robot turn-by-turn. Each turn, players receive a hand of cards. Each if these cards contains an instruction such as “Move Forward 2″, “Turn Left”, “Back Up”, or “U Turn”. You look carefully at your path, accounting for any conveyor belts or spinners that may change your path, and play the five cards face-down. This process requires more thinking than you might suspect. And to make it worse, the process is rushed: once all but one of the players have finished programming, the final player is given a countdown timer, and if he/she doesn’t finish on time, the player to his/her left selects the remaining moves. This leads to frequent mistakes. Failing to account for a spinner can turn your entire course 90 degrees midway through, and end up with you in a pit. Placing a move 2 instead of a move 1 can put you on a conveyor belt you hadn’t planned for. And even if you plan your route perfectly, you may be pushed by another robot who hadn’t even expected you to be there, and that can change your course entirely.

Once each player has placed five cards, everyone plays their first card, then fires a laser. Then everyone plays their second card, then fires a laser. On this goes until all five cards are played. Then everyone reprograms.

As robots become damaged by each other and the environment, they begin to receive fewer cards each turn, and thus fewer options. At first, this just means that a robot’s five moves must be selected from a smaller pool. But once the cards dip below five, the robot will actually move more slowly, and if you end up on a conveyor belt with nothing but left and right turns, you’ve got no way to control where you’re going. Many conveyor belts lead right off the edge of the map, and once you fall off, you lose one of your three lives and must go back to your last waypoint. You can shut down your robot to heal damage, but this means you’re not moving for an entire turn. And it’s possible for other robots to shove you into a pit or laser or onto a conveyor belt during that time.

Waypoints are like save points – you return there when you die. Each time you reach a flag, you can pass through the flag to satisfy that part of the victory condition, or stop on the flag to set a new waypoint. Ending your turn on a specific square with only the cards you’re given can be a challenge. Doing it under time pressure is even tougher.

There are lots of other nuances of the game that I haven’t yet encountered, since I’ve only ever played the game once, but I found it to be a lot of fun. When I first read the rules, the game seemed crazy and complicated, but once we started playing I found that things moved very quickly.

Photos courtesy of Michael Delaney

Robo Rally
Players: 2-8
Recommended Age: 10 and up
Time to play: 120 minutes
Price: $35 – $40

In celebration of the official release of Jared Axelrod’s and Steve Walker’s The Battle of Blood and Ink: A Fable of the Flying City, we are re-airing (re-feeding?) our 2011 interview with Axelrod in which he discusses the major themes and construction of the prequel podcast, Fables of the Flying City.

Fables of the Flying City is the tale of Ashe, a young woman from the streets of the flying city of Amperstam learns what it takes to be a member of the Aerial Guard, and finds herself at war with an invading empire and the rulers of the city she has sworn to protect!

Fables of the Flying City is written by Jared Axelrod, with illustrations by Steve Walker and Natalie Kelly.

About Jared Axelrod

In addition to writing the adventures of Ashe and the other denizens of the flying city of Amperstam, Jared Axelrod is the writer of the webcomic “All Write!” for the website I Should Be Writing. His written work has been published in the anthologies Podthology: The Pod Complex, as well as The Sovereign Era: Year One, Salt and End Of Time, as well asNeometropolis and Escape Pod magazines. He was a founding writer for 365 Tomorrows. His illustration work can be seen on the cover of the novel Brave Men Run, and accompanying the original audio version of the novels Playing For Keeps and Cybrosis. He currently resides in Philadelphia with his immensely talented wife.

He is not domestic, he is a luxury. And in that sense, necessary.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 32:12 — 29.5MB)

In the last episode of Doc Azrael, Angel of Death, we rode along with Officer Corley as he investigated Sergeant Parr’s evening activities. After a turn into a dark alley, we discovered that perhaps Corley was the hunted as well as the hunter.

Jimmy Keenan sat uncomfortably on the edge of what was supposed to pass for a bed, grinding his teeth in annoyance at the snores emanating from the upper bunk. It was bad enough that Parr had the audacity to have him locked up, but expecting him to share a cell with this cretin was unforgivable. When he got out of this jail cell, Keenan would put plans for a very special punishment for the old cop into action.

“Keenan! You’ve got a visitor.” The jailer seemed annoyed to be bothered at this late hour. He unlocked the importers cell. “Special orders to allow you out at this time of night. Must be someone special.”

Jimmy didn’t dignify the man’s comment with a response; instead he straightened the collar of his orange jumpsuit and walked out of the cage as if this were part of his plan all along. If he were honest with himself, Keenan was surprised by the visit. When he had spoken to his attorney earlier in the day, the lawyer had said there was nothing he could do until morning. Clearly something had changed.

The officer didn’t lead Keenan to the public meeting room to which the smuggler had become accustomed in his previous visits to the institution. Instead, Jimmy was escorted to a private office on the administrative floor. “I’ve been told to give you twenty minutes, Keenan.” The cop opened the door and ushered the heavy set man into the room.

It was a small conference room, dominated by a heavy table and tall chairs. There were two men in the room. The first Jimmy recognized, it was his mouth-piece. The man was dressed in his standard cheap suit, though perhaps it looked a bit more wrinkled than normal. He looked tired and perhaps a little nervous.

The second man was new to Jimmy Keenan. He work an expensive suit, possibly European, and definitely brand new. He broad shoulder and even though he was sitting, Keenan could tell he was tall. There was a glint in the new man’s eyes that told Jimmy that he wasn’t hired muscle. This was an educated man.

Jimmy tried to take the upper hand. He addressed his lawyer, ignoring the other man as if he were beneath notice. “What’s this all about? Isn’t it bad enough that you haven’t gotten me out of this hole yet? You have to disturb my beauty rest too?”

“I… I…”  Keenan’s lawyer stammered.  “He…”

“I will be representing your case from this point forward, Mr. Keenan.” The dark man spoke without hesitation. “At the instruction of my employer, I consulted with your attorney and the two of us agreed that it would be best for all involved if I handled your concerns exclusively. Isn’t that so?”

Keenan’s former lawyer nodded and stammered a reply. “Ye… yes. It’s all been arranged Jimmy.” Glancing from one man to the other, the mouthpiece stood. “I… I should be going.” He rapped lightly on the door and was let out by the officer on guard.

“Perhaps you would like to sit, Mr. Keenan. We have a lot to discuss and limited time.”

First appeared in audio form on Flash Cast 55 ( http://flashpulp.com ).

I’ve had my Droid X for about a year and a half now, and I’m still blown away by all it’s able to do. This is my first smart phone, and I’m not sure how I ever survived without one. I use it for GPS navigation, social networking, and playing video games while I wait for my daughter to put her socks and shoes on.¹ My wife and I use a shared calendar that automatically syncs between our devices. And I keep my massive daily to-do lists on my phone’s home screen via a widget – it’s replaced all those tiny pieces of paper I’ve been using to write myself notes since college.

I do everything with my phone. I even used it to buy groceries one time. But there are a few things I do with my phone that I’m guessing you may not have tried. Some of the apps I’ll be discussing are specific to Android,² but I’m sure that there are iPhone equivalents out there. Not sure about Blackberry.³

That said, here are some things I’ve done recently with my phone…

Store Files and Passwords
When I’m writing articles like this one, I often write them in notepad. And where do I store those text files? Yes – on my phone. Connected to the PC via USB. I never gave my own personal blog a way to store drafts like this fancypants WordPress stuff, so my phone’s dropbox folder has become my drafts folder. I also use it to store podcasts, wallpapers I might like to use, and any other files for which other people might use a flash drive.

I also store my passwords on the phone, encrypted using keepassDroid. In order for anyone to get my passwords, they’d have to first steal my phone, then figure out the phone’s pattern lock, and then crack the password on the keepass database. Seems fairly secure to me.

Enter Text Very Quickly
Text entry interfaces are evolving. And while the good old full keyboard is still the best way to go, voice recognition is making huge strides. Still, it’s not there yet. On my phone, I use Swype to enter text. It allows you to enter text by tracing a path across the letters on a keyboard, lifting your finger only in between words. The great thing is that if you want, you can still tap keys to enter text normally. But when you end up with very long words, Swype makes a huge difference. It’s an enormous improvement over tap-tap-tap text entry on a phone.

Watch Shows
Sure – it’s a 4.3 inch screen. Jumbotron this ain’t. But it worked just fine for me when I wanted to catch up on season three of The Guild using the Netflix app. And I’ve watched most of the fantastic Geek and Sundry programming through my phone.⁴ I also caught up on season two of The Walking Dead while eating lunch at work.

Update My Website
Okay, it was only a minor update, since text entry on a small touch screen is less than ideal, but the fact that I can FTP to a remote server, navigate the directory structure, and upload files using my phone feels pretty damn cool to me. I use ES File Explorer, which is much more than a simple FTP client. I actually use ES to navigate through all my phone’s directories, including…

Manage my home network
I use ES File explorer to transfer podcasts to and from my phone, back up photos to my home network, and delete old files from my home media server. When we’re sitting on the couch watching a show, it’s very convenient to handle this routine maintenance stuff from my phone.

I’ve got a friend who frequently connects to his home PC using his iPhone to do much of the same stuff. I haven’t found any free app that would allow that, and haven’t found sufficient motivation to purchase anything, but it’s certainly possible. I love living in the future.

In the meantime, my phone is 18 months old, which is well past middle age for a smartphone. I’ve taken a number of steps to speed up the UI, but in the end I’ll probably end up rooting the phone when I get some time, as it’s supposed to provide a substantial speed boost as well as allowing for the prospect of overclocking. I’d have done it already, but I’m scared of bricking my phone before my contact is up. Still, the allure of CyonogenMod is growing stronger and stronger as my Gingerbread install becomes more and more sluggish. Rooting the phone would allow my to set my phone as a wireless access point, making it possible to go online with the iPad on car trips without paying for the 3G. It would also allow me to take screenshots, a feature that iPhone users have always taken for granted. And the alternate lockscreens with gesture-based app launching look very cool. One of these weekends, when I get some time free, perhaps I’ll take that plunge.

And now that I’m done, I’ll be copying this article’s text using EStrongs Text Editor, and pasting it into the Android WordPress app. This will be my first Secret Lair article posted directly from my phone.

1. This sometimes takes ten minutes [↩]
2. You may accuse me of being an avoid Android fanboy, but I truly believe that Android has better and more customizable phones. When you buy an iPhone, you’re paying a premium for the brand and for the chic factor [↩]
3. Don’t even bring up Windows Phones [↩]
4. I highly recommend Tabletop and The Flog [↩]

The Winking Lizard is a northeastern Ohio institution. Founded in 1983 in Bedford Heights, they have grown over the last twenty-nine years to fourteen locations as far-flung as Columbus. If you ask around, they are known either for their award-winning barbecue or The World Tour of Beers.

The World Tour was established in 1986 and, if the devotion of certain people in my social circle is any indication, it is one of the highlights of any beer enthusiast’s year. The Lizard has one of the finest and most diverse beer selections in the area, but sometimes it’s hard to find reasons to try some of the more exotic brews. The World Tour exists to encourage drinking a diverse number of beers within the calendar year. There are prizes for those who hit certain goals, but for me, the reward is in trying the beers themselves.

When you join the World Tour, you’re issued a card with your personal number on it, a passport describing all of the beers on the tour, and access the Tour section of the website where you can track which beers you’ve tried and which you have yet to attack.  The Tour is the perfect companion to your Untappd account…you drink the beers at the bar, you rate and record your impressions in Untappd. The perfect mix.

I am moving far too slowly. At this point I have tried only fifteen of the three hundred seventy brews available. However, I have high hopes for the summer, and now that the owners of The Winking Lizard have opened up a new high-end whiskey bar and beer store called Lizardville, they might well have earned my devotion for the next seven months.

(more…)